It's A Bex Life

We Used to be Honey and Babe

2010-11-16T14:58:00.000-08:00

The problem with trying to remain friends with an ex is that you tend to fall into old patterns quite easily. If said ex in unhitched, there's no perceivable issue, unless there are lingering feelings that remain. If he has, however, deigned to tie the knot with someone else that is not you...well, let's just say it gets complicated.

I've been trying to be friends with Korin for years and for years we've been successful. He was my first boyfriend when I moved to DC and my entire social network centered around him for that first year. Then he cheated. With his ex. I found out through a mutual friend and dumped him, livid, hurt, and v.v. confused.

I kind of hoped we'd reconcile. And we did.

Then he got engaged.

To his ex.

I didn't leave the couch for three days when I found out...we'd talked about marriage, why wasn't he proposing to me? Five years later I realize that I cried for those three days not because I loved him so much (though I did) but because I felt as if I'd lost my best friend. Kind of my only friend...because remember, this was my life: Move to DC. Live in DC three days. Meet boy who happens to be neighbor. Fall in love with boy neighbor. Build life around boy-neighbor. Find other friends. Dump boy. Reconcile. Get hurt. A lot.

In retrospect I see that I wasn't in love with Korin, and I thank God for unanswered prayers. As Mum says, I dodged a bullet with that one. We never would have survived as a married couple, and his philandering ways will thankfully never be my problem again. But he's turned out to be a very, very good friend. When Jackal and I broke up, he was there. When work is crazy, I vent to him. Shortly after we broke up he told me that he would still be my best friend and that when I stopped being mad, he'd still be there. He's taken the abuse that he deserved for how he hurt me and come out on the other side as someone I still turn to for advice or support. We brunch, lunch, and dine together almost once a month. He has a child now, and I've had three boyfriends since him, one of whom taught me what being in love really feels like--and what having your heart broken really means. And still, Korin is standing there in the background, when I want to talk and when I don't.

But there's a fine line between what is appropriate and what is not in this situation, and I think I'm balancing on it every day that this friendship continues. The other day we made plans for dinner. As he we were hanging up he said "Bye babe" and I replied with a chipper "Bye honey."
When the phone clicked off, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. How much of this friendship is that of the evolved, 21st century ex-lovers-can-be-friends variety, and how much of it is holding on to the couple we once were? The people we were together, before things went wrong? Old habits die hard. And if this friendship is us being nostalgic, when does nostalgia turn into an emotional affair? When am I enabling the philanderer that I suspect is still very much a part of him? We used to be honey and babe...maybe it's time for me to let go of them. Even though I consider him a dear friend and have great affection for him...

We're not those people anymore.

And I have new friends now.

P.S. Have missed you guys. New job is fantastic. Say nothing about the delay in posts, but do visit me in the future? I'll be around. ;-)

Repeat--Part Trois: Love and other Ultimatums

2010-07-08T09:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that the more posts it takes to tell a story, the longer the story actually gets. This is some kind of version of the chicken/egg debate. I have been delaying this post because I know how long the story is and, frankly, its just a bit scary. But, finally, I bring to you the conclusion of Lather, Rinse, Repeat. I hope you all are prepared for a story of epic emotional intrigue & proportion.

Rerun and I dated for three whole months. During that time, I also dated Jackal. They both knew about each other, and I felt no guilt about my double dating summer. But let's be honest here, I was and always had been in love with Jackal. I thought that I gave Rerun a fighting chance, but it didn't work out.

I just didn't feel that za-za-zsu. And then there was the thing about his ex-girlfriend. What is it with me and ex-girlfriends?!

After a particularly unpleasant fight I was on the verge of breaking up with Rerun when he admitted that he'd been holding back. He didn't expect to have such strong feelings for me, he said. Especially since his ex-girlfriend was coming to town. Say wha-?!

Yup. Apparently her parents bankrolled a visit to him back when they were still together, and she was making good on the tickets in two weeks. That's why he'd been distant and wouldn't fully commit to dating me (not that I was willing to commit either...but he didn't need to know that). Could I, would I, possibly wait two weeks and resume dating him, this time exclusively, and move on like nothing was different? "Wait." I asked him. "You mean to tell me that you want us to break up for two weeks so that you can sleep with your ex-girlfriend and then come back to me like nothing happened?"

Yes, he said.

I ran for the hills.

And to be honest, he gave me good reason to!

Fast-forward three years, and here I am in Rerun's new city: Berkeley. We hadn't seen each other in two years. We were both unattached. Let the good times roll.

And what a good time we had! You can count a misdemeanor among our (joint) offenses, as well as a zsa-zsa-zsu that I never knew this 6'9" guy capable of.

So we started with drinks on a Thursday night. Just drinks, right? You'd think it'd be harmless. Drinks turned into a 3 1/2 hour heart-to-heart where Rerun admitted that he never thought my "heart was in it" when it came to our dalliance. Where I admitted that there was someone else, and I ended up dating him for 2 years only to endure a 2 year breakup and have my heart smashed into little tiny pieces. He dated someone after me and he loved her. We were really friends in that moment, and we really realized why we liked each other in the first place. It was the beginning of a new fall.

He invited me to a big fete later that weekend at Stanford and though it was the end of a workweek, I was psyched to go. Of course, I'm secretly fatalistic. I never thought it would work out. I was totally prepared to be let down.

So when Rerun called to tell me that he couldn't get me tickets for the fete after all, I wasn't surprised. A little hurt & disappointed, sure, but I had a big room overlooking a lake waiting for me, and I'd get over it. Then he said "Meet me at this pre-party, I want you to introduce you to my friends." I went.

I went.

We kissed (a lot).

And I went home.

Or so I thought. Five minutes into my drive back to that fab hotel that I never saw again, he called and said "Come to the concert. It'll be a blast."

"But you don't have a ticket for me!" I said.

"Doesn't matter. I'll figure it out," he said. "I want you to come with me."

And I went, again.

I'll spare you the gritty details and summarize by saying this: Rerun's "brilliant" plan to get me into the concert wasn't so brilliant--it failed miserably. His backup plan though? A stroke of genius.

It involved me jumping a six-foot fence. Boosted, of course, by those wonderful 6'9" arms.

He was quite impressed with my "athletic ability." (I have to admit, so was I).

He jumped the fence with me and all of a sudden, I was over the moon for this boy.

Guess there's something about a little danger, daring, and desire that makes my heart go pitter patter, but I hung onto every word he said that night. And I didn't want to go home the next morning...but home I went.

I wanted to make things work, but distance got the best of us this summer. Still, when I think back to that adventure, I have to admit that I when I leapt over that fence, my heart went with it.

I am, of course, back on solid ground now...well, solid for me anyway.
;-)

To Be Seen and Not Heard

2010-06-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hello out there?! You guys have been silent for far too long! If you either decide to a) follow me or b) comment, I promise to post more frequently.

Chloe thinks this is a deal that could work. I certainly hope so. I miss you guys! ;-)

Oh, also she says I should post more pictures. I could do that too.

Wake Up Little Susie

2010-06-16T01:34:00.001-07:00

4:30 a.m.

Part of the reason for my absence has to do with a bit of work drama that gave me a swift kick in the ass. It's safe to say that, after giving 100% for 3+ years here, I definitely felt that I wasn't getting the same back. It's not enough to just work somewhere for me. I also need to feel necessary, like what I'm doing has value. I also need the respect and investment of my bosses and constant challenge, as I'm sure any other indulged, ambitious, Milennial would.

Through a series of unfortunate events, some of the relationships and people that I trusted were severely compromised and not only did I feel undermined, I also felt very demeaned. It is obviously not ideal, but I learned a lot. Instead of resigning on the spot (which, literally, four people had to talk me out of) I decided to figure out what skills I need to master to do what's within my heart, master them, and move on.

That seems to be my theme for 2010, eh? Move on, already.

This is what finds me here at work at the ungodly hour of 4:30 a.m. I need experience in a control room and someone's been willing to give it to me. Call me what you will: I can't afford to care what others think anymore. This is about me now. A friend of mine says "God throws pebbles...then he throws a brick." I asked for the longest about what to do and I got my answer. Who am I to whine about how much it hurt? It is what it is and though it'll break my heart to say goodbye to this place (when it's time) it's truly about time that I realized I need more than it can offer.

Egads, its early. There's an enitre day that stretches before me and many, many roads yet to follow. ;-)

Rinse (pt. Deux)

2010-06-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

A scene from Preakness, pre-Rerun (from left: IDK, Eloise, me, IDK, Graham)

And now, to rejoin a story already in progress:

So I take off with Camille in tow and race to catch up with him. It happened so fast that by the time we caught up (who am I fooling with we, I'd left Camille somewhere in the crowd long ago) I hadn't even thought of anything clever or witty or cute to say! I really should've thought of that before I opened my mouth. You've met me, haven't you? I didn't.

I tapped him on the back as far up as I could reach, which was seriously like his waist because he's a giant, and he turned around. And then I said Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! And he stared at me. So I said Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! again because it didn't work the first time and I hoped that my luck would be better the second time around. It wasn't. Finally I was like, Seriously? You don't remember me at all? Because I'm a bloody idiot. Really, I am. I'm an idiot savant and I remember every single face, name, and person I've ever met. And I always look like a plain idiot because I expect everyone else to as well, but it wasn't working with Rerun. He clearly had no idea in hell who I was (and I can say that because really, it was that hot). I tried again. The pool? Last Fourth of July? Again, blank stare. We played pool volleyball. In the pool! In Arlington! Remember? Iwenttogetamargaritandcamebacknyouweregone?!!!

It was like I truly believed the more excited I got and the faster I talked, the quicker he would remember me. And it was just. Not. working. But finally, he gave into my feminine wiles, pretended to remember who the heck I was, and we started chatting.

One hour later we were making out.

And then he offered to make me dinner. I know, right?!!! SWOON.

By that time Camille had long since abandoned me, so we went to find the group again. However, it'd been so long since I'd seen them that I really had no clue where to start. There were seriously thousands of people milling around. Here's another lovely memory captured from that infamous day. (Do you see that fleshblob? Yeah, that's Camille's finger. I told you, shitshow.)We held hands and wandered for about an hour until I spotted the long line of blue port-a-potties a few yards away from a gaggle of ridiculously drunk girls splayed out on a beach blanket. BINGO! As soon as I spotted my gang I told Rerun that I had to go and was v. sorry but I hoped to see him soon. He said no. I said yes. He said no. I said yes. He picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me to the blanket. When we got there he refused to put me down until I promised to come over for dinner. Ladies, this is living proof that chivalry isn't dead. Obviously, he had me at shirtless wonder, barbarian antics aside.

Thus commenced a truly unforgettable summer dating Rerun. Unforgettable for many reasons... after all, there was Jackal to contend with too. And herein lay the problem.

Rinse (pt. Un)

2010-05-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

Scene: Shitshow. Preakness 2006. Approximately 4 hours before departure to Baltimore I'd spent half the night making out with Jackal in some basement club in Admo (Adams Morgan for you international folks, p.s., HI!) that no longer exists. Sound shady? It should. Mainly because he's fucking shady. I digress. So I made out with Jackal in some basement of some club of Admo that no longer exists fully knowing that I had to get up early the next day to depart for Baltimore and Preakness on a party bus.

Please don't judge me.

I was 25 and many of our drunken excursions that summer included party buses & Eloise lifting her skirt or throwing beer bottles at mean boys' heads...or both. Also, please remember that during this time I lurrrrrrrved Jackal and was bound & determined to make him mine. This was the first time we'd ever kissed. EVER. It was monumental. And monumentally apropo if you think about it. We started in a strange place that I never should have taken myself because it was totally beneath me, and we ended the exact same way--some strange place (metaphorical) that I didn't belong and never should have been because it was totally beneath me. Anyway! Party Bus.

The bus was supposed to leave at 8:45 or some other a.m. nonsense. I can't even function at 8:45 a.m. these days, you can imagine what it was like back then! Camille was tasked with calling me at 8 to make sure I was awake so that I didn't miss the bus. I woke up at 8:30 to my screeching phone, seriously pissed that she'd waited that long for my wake up call (hello, didn't we agree on 8?!) and when I told her so she responded "Hey crazy, I've been calling you since 7 a.m. Get your ass down here." Holy crackrock. I had 15 min. to shower, dress myself, feign some kind of makeup and get down to Capitol South from Southwest on the metro. I honestly have no recollection of how I accomplished this. What I know for sure is that I very possibly skipped the shower, threw things on that were the closest in proximity to me, and wore the same makeup as the night before. Hey, it was good enough to lure Jackal, wasn't it?

Somehow I made it to the bus. There were, seriously, 5 people there, Camille included. We were waiting for 50. The extra time was good though because it gave Lena the chance to force me to trade items of my outfit with our friend Reese because I looked that ridiculous and there was really no place but up for me. I ended up wearing jeans that I'd apparently cut off into capris circa 1996 when I thought I could design my own clothing, a green indian print fabric belt, a black halter/tank top and flip flops. Did I mention that I'd also cut the waistband off of said jeans? I had. Hey, Mariah Carey did it and everything she does is cool. So there. I was ahead of the times.

Anyway, we all make it onto the bus, I pass out and we arrive at Preakness, not necessarily in that order. Don't believe it was a shitshow? Please see evidence below. Also because we'd left so late, by the time we actually got there, there was no place to spread our blanket on the field except near the port-a-potties. We all know how I feel about those...contraptions of filth and typhoid. I very expressly wanted to walk around. Yes, I was slightly still drunk from the 8 hours before (I really did not get home until 4 a.m. that morning), but not quite drunk enough to ignore my horror at our unfortunate location. It turned out to be a good thing later. You'll see why.

Once again, it was sweltering. Camille and I were probably in search of some kind of frozen lemonade because I'm known to make impossible requests in the stifling heat and we ran into my work buddy Sweaty Palms who was shirtless and wearing tan farmer overalls. Please don't ask, there's really no excuse for him. Despite the fact that he once told Mischa that she was more boring than a game of Chutes & Ladders, I loved him. He did not have frozen lemonade, but he did have some kind of frozen/cold/drink/substance. Quite possibly this was just ice-cold Miller Lite, which is a hard thing to accomplish at noon on a ridiculously hot day. We chilled with him for a while. I am deliberately delaying this story so you that you can fully comprehend how epic the next event is. Camille, Sweaty & I are just hanging, chatting, trying to stay cool when I suddenly remember our original mission. I jump up, drag her to her feet, and we're off, when, in the distance the crowds part like Moses parted the Red Sea and I glimpse something so phenomenal it could truly, surely, ONLY be a mirage. Six feet, nine inches of shirtless wonder.

I turned to Camille, pointed, and said, very loudly, Oh my Gosh, there he is! That's hot pool guy! She responded with a look that said clearly-I-should-have-let-you-sleep-because-you're-hallucinating (and I could have been because it was Venezuelan rainforest hot & humid but I wasn't) and goes "No it's not." I then yelled Yes it is! And took off. This is the moment I'd waited an entire year for! I had to find him before random chick showed up again!

Lather

2010-05-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

I hope you didn't think that I'd leave you without a story, did you? ;-) I'd never do that.

Picture it: Alexandria, VA, July 4th, 2001. It is sweltering. The gang & I gather at a friend's apartment complex & use him for his pool (what other reason do you think I'd have for going to the Vag? Pentagon City & Target don't count). We bring the fixins for watermelon daiquiri/margaritas, so he doesn't mind. A game of pool volleyball quickly forms, with the boys taking it all serious and the girls halfway caring. Except, of course, for Camille, who never cares. About much of anything. That and the fear that her top would come off prevented her from ever raising her arms more than two inches above her head. This detail is important because it caused the other team to need another player.

Enter: Rerun. 6'9" of muscled man. I almost accidentally drowned myself. Somehow I tried to disappear underwater (feeling quite uncute) and realized this was a bad idea a moment too late. Anyway, eventually I surfaced, attempting to look nymphlike, and failed completely. Too much spluttering. We played on, as one drowning don't stop no show.

He was aMaZiNg. I mean, how could you not be at 6'9"??? Everything that went to the right, he hit. Everything that went to the left, he slammed. I tried to distract him with my feminine wiles and the sexy eye. Massive fail. Very quickly the other team won. Some would say this had something to do with the frantic whispering among our team as to whether or not our babies would be cute. I object.

After we were pummeled, I needed a refresher and excused myself to the watermelon daiqiri/margapartment, otherwise known as Adam's place. When I got back down...he was gone. My girlfriends were too shy to notice/too drunk to stop him and my guyfriends just plain didn't care and thus, my love was gone.

I stalked him that whole summer, looking for him in alleys while barhopping in Arlington (I had no judgment back then), scouring cafes at lunch, and staring down every guy above 6'5" in Ozio. No luck. Somewhere around Labor Day I found him...munching pizza outside of Jumbo Slice in Adams Morgan. Holding hands with a random girl.

Picture it: Heart Sinking.

Where I'm Going

2010-05-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

10-Day Forecast for Curacao Island, Netherlands Antilles
Forecast Conditions
High °FLow °F
Precip.Chance
High Temperatures Low Temperatures Precipitation Wind Speed
TonightMay 11
Showers Late
90°80°
30%

90°F
WedMay 12
AM Showers
91°79°
30%

91°F
ThuMay 13
AM Showers
89°79°
30%

89°F
FriMay 14
AM Showers
89°79°
30%

89°F
SatMay 15
Scattered Showers
90°81°
30%

90°F
SunMay 16
Scattered Showers
91°81°
30%

91°F
MonMay 17
Scattered Showers
90°80°
30%

90°F
TueMay 18
Scattered Showers
90°81°
30%

90°F
WedMay 19
Scattered Showers
90°81°
30%

90°F
ThuMay 20
Partly Cloudy
90°81°
20%

Meltdowns & Jet Planes (Where I've Been)

2010-05-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

from bex
to EVERYONE
date Tue, May 11, 2010 at 11:37 AM
subject Meltdowns & Jet Planes
time 11:37 AM

Hiiiiii Friends! Just wanted to let you know that finally, FINALLY, my month & a half long interview is OVER!! Hooray! I definitely had a Stage 4 meltdown yesterday when, after the video debacle of last Thursday and after the editing catastrophe of last Friday were complete, I was told that I had to put together a presentation for two of our VPs and my would-be boss bright & early today. Boo hiss. The meltdown did not include tears, although there was a considerable amount of throwing things (post-its) and curse words involved.

For a moment I kept feeling like I was being made to jump through hoops and they just kept getting smaller and smaller and we all know I'm terrible at limbo (ref. Eloise's wedding) so how would I could I pull it off?! Anyway, it's done! I prepped at the office till 10, went home, actually slept (imagine that) and got up at 6:45 (usually nearly impossible) and knocked it out as of 10:00 a.m.! AND, to say goodbye to stress-Bex and hello to fun-Bex for good, I'll be leaving tomorrow on vacation through next Monday. So sorry if I haven't seen you (or in your case blog buddies, heard from me) in ages. :-( I'll be here May 18th & 19th, so if you're in town, let's do an HH on the 18th. I should be in NYC from the 20-30th, unless I get the job, in which case I might be around the 20th-24th but gone the 25th-30th. Hopefully, will find out about said job on the 18th. Hence, it will either be a celebratory or sympathy drinks date. Let me know if you can make it. Otherwise, I'll see you in June-ish (though will be at Roots picnic in Philly on June 5th). Okay, I think that's all. Weather in vacationland is holding steady at 90 degrees all this week...I'm so ready! Hope you're doing well! Also, have already turned over stuff at work today so msg me if you're bored! Talk soon.

XOXO,
Bex

Say Anything

2010-04-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

Anonymous comments are now allowed at the request of my friend Irina. Have at it! Or, um, me...whichever the case may be. ;-)

You may wonder why I'm posting at 11:00 on a Friday? Well, that would be because my closet vomited all over my apartment and it has taken me weeks to clean up. Thus, I'm grounded until I can get this place together. Hope you snog someone fun tonight! (Although, knowing my friends, that means their husband).

Loose Lips

2010-04-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

Conversation with Rerun circa last night:

me: I mean, I guess we could do one of two things. We could either say it was fun, give it time and we'll see what happens in few months...Or we could keep in touch and just sort of keep up with each other and see how things unfold.

Rerun: Right.

me: Do you see the difference?

Rerun: Not really.

me: Oh.

(full details on my crazy/surprising weekend that featured a reemergence of someone I'd written off long ago coming soon)

--probably I just shouldn't have badgered him with the What Will We Do?! conversation just yet...we DID only reconnect last weekend and neither of us was planning it...and he does live 3,000 miles away...but I, somehow, adore him all of a sudden and I just wanted to know, you know, if he adores me too. Is that so much to ask?

Vindication

2010-04-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

For those of you who thought I was exaggerating WaPo's vendetta against singletons, I bring you today's feature:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/19/AR2010041904818.html?hpid=artslot&sid=ST2010041904904

Now, who's ready to go burn some bras (read: WaPos) with me?

;-)

I thought so.

Happiness Is...

2010-04-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

Buying FOUR pair of shoes at the DSW in Reno and only spending 89.00!!! I'll post them just as soon as I get home. Am working on a very unfriendly Mac while on the road from Reno to Berkeley. But trust me, they are divine. Unexpectedly, 3 0f the 4 are patent. The 4th is a white, fuschia, and black printed silk. Ahhhhhh, just thinking about them makes my heart skip a little beat. Just a tiny one. ;-)

Sadly, this pair did not make the cut: http://www.famousfootwear.com/Shopping/productdetails.aspx?catalog_name=web&pg=1019589&p=76833&CMP=OTC-Froogle&partnerid=Froogle&cpc=Froogle&campaign=Steve%20Madden&group=Womens&cpckw=Womens%20Hoops%20Taupe

Mistake? Should I order them? With summer coming and all, I'm not so sure they're a great acquisition for my shoe collection, only because I think I'll be able to find them again next season...but certainly not as cheap. Whaddya think?

A Confession

2010-04-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I had an idyllic day viewing the cherry blossoms. It was, literally the most perfect day. I'd decided to go on staycation because they tried to drive me crazy at work. Call it a mini-protest for my sanity, if you will. I spent the first day laying around my apartment watching television & doing nothing, finally venturing out to stalk Liberty of London at Target. The next day Eva & Miguel spontaneously decided to go to the cherry blossoms and I strongarmed* them into picking me up. So the five of us ventured out and just had the most perfect day: M,E,their 2 yr old Isabel, and the baby still in Eva's tummy, who is already a character himself.

It was beautiful out, verging on hot with a sweet breeze. We ate lunch on picnic benches at Hains Point, watched Isabel follow ducks, walked down to the WWII Memorial & dipped our feet in the fountain.** I chased baby Isabel on the mall and watched her make friends with two darling sisters. Eva & I spread out a blanket, lay down, and watched people fly kites. We talked about the new baby, summer plans, and how fast time flies. There are rare moments in life when you find peace...when you can just feel it. Those are the moments you never want to leave.

After a bit we packed up our belongings and started the long trek back to the car. I wanted a crabcake so bad I could taste it, and we decided to head over to the marina for one last mini-adventure of the day. Maybe I tried to stretch too much perfection into one afternoon? I'll never know.

As Eva & I were standing in line for crabcakes, I, not wanting her to stand too long for no reason (she is 8 months along, after all), I decided to go in search of another stand that might sell crabcakes. I can see it in my head, and every time I've told this story, and I did re-tell it several times, its as if I'm watching it in slow motion.

I turned around and started walking when, 20 feet in front of me, I looked up to see Jackal. I looked at him, he looked at me with...I don't know, a kind of resignation...shock & exhaustion at once, if that's possible. I looked to the left and saw his girlfriend. And I turned around to face the opposite direction. I walked away. I just couldn't. I had nothing else.

We didn't talk that day. The last rager we had ended with me telling him that if I ever saw her, the girl he cheated on with me, after he cheated on me with someone else, I would tell her everything. I didn't. I stared at him and her and walked away. I looked him in the eye and walked away. I found Eva and stood with her and we just looked at each other. I didn't talk about the fact that two years ago we had her baby shower at his house. We didn't talk about him completely ignoring her as well. I did cry, a bit. But ultimately, I walked away.

I won't talk again about how destructive that relationship was, I won't trash his girlfriend, and I'm not going to rewrite how many years/days/hours it took to heal. It's all been said before. That's not a part of my life anymore. And its about time.

So two days later, when I was on my way to work and saw him driving in, down my street, when I saw him point in my direction, almost as if to wave, I lifted my chin, adjusted my sunglasses, and moved on.

*pitifully begged

**We were also yelled at by park rangers for blatantly ignoring the "No wading" sign. In my defense, I told M&E that we were not allowed to put our feet in because of the sign and they played dumb, claiming that they didn't know what "wading" is. This debate went on easily for 15 min, but it was so hot! Eventually I just had to give in.

Wherein I Ask the Universe WHY

2010-04-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

I hope you're ready for some morbid humor. Remember when I said that I agreed to do something I swore I'd never do at the marrieds' brunch? Yeah, I never should have done that. I agreed to a fix-up. And I actually kind of got excited about the fix-up! Not just plan my outfit excited but, plotting our first date after the fix up excited. Yes, before I met him. Hush. Anyway, two days before the fix up his grandfather died. Sooooooooooo sad, right? Now he's all caught up with the family business and never has time anymore so I'll probably never meet him. Not nearly as sad, but sad as well. Unless he saw my FB profile and I scared him off pre-relationship, which wouldn't be a first, let's be honest. Then there would only be one sad thing in this scenario.

In an unrelated-which-soon-scarily-becomes-related matter, my cousin Taran called me at work out of the blue to announce that her mother (Aunt Bea) was planning to fix me up with someone. I replied "When pigs fly in hell she will." Apparently Taran's only mission was to warn me and warn she did. I was on my guard and this would DEFINITELY not be happening. Once bitten after I decided to rebelliously not put on the bug spray that I normally wore as armor, twice shy. Imagine my surprise when Taran called the next week on an unrelated matter and started chatting about a skirmish Aunt Bea had with a neighbor.

"Well, where is she now?" I asked, referring to Aunt Bea. "At a funeral," Taran replied. Followed by this:

"Oh, yeah! Remember that guy she wanted to set you up with?

He died."

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you my life.

Please, for fear of embarrassment or death, please please please, truly, PLEASE never try to set me up, with anyone, ever, until the end of time.

Goodnight & good luck.

Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death (1)

2010-04-08T12:39:00.001-07:00

Hellllloooooo out there! Has anyone else succumbed to the Liberty fever? No, no, no, not Liberty some school who may or may not have been in March Madness. Obviously I'm talking about Liberty of London. And NO, she is not a person. She is a store. A wonderful, magnificent, lovely and divine department store that is located across the pond. She is also superexpensive. Honestly, I could look at twelve anythings, cups, spoons, t-shirts, etc., and I swear 10 times out of 10 I will like the most expensive one automatically. I'm just engineered that way. Thus, Liberty of London & I are a match made in heaven. It is sad for us Yanks that Liberty is so far away. Happy for the Brits, the brutes.

Yanks-0 Brits-1

Thankfully, Liberty decided to hop our way for a limited time, via Target. I first read about it in Elle and promptly marked the launch date on my calendar. Now, full disclosure, I had never even heard of Liberty of London before reading about it, but rest assured, I knew I would fall madly in love once I heard they were fond of florals and I was RIGHT. Do not scoff. You would too if you'd seen that pretty little lingerie number that they advertised...I think it was this one

So yes, we all know how I love a fairytale. This was simply love at first sight. The relationship however...that's a different story.

I babysat Isabel the night before the Liberty launch (so that her parents could go see Avatar while it was still in the theater, enamored as I am with that movie), mistakenly thinking that I could just saunter over to the Columbia Heights Target later and peruse their offerings. Wrong. So wrong. By the time I got there, circa 4 p.m., the stock was positively plundered. There was nothing left except an adorable little romper that was not in my size. Color me unhappy. I attempted to find it in a smaller size but couldn't find a thing on the racks! Again, plundered. So I casually stroll over to the fitting room know that this is normally the last chance corral for ill-fitting clothing. Maybe someone tried it on in a smaller size and it didn't fit? Maybe they left it there and I'd get lucky and be supercute this summer wearing this romper and espadrilles? Coincidentally I actually hate espadrilles but wouldn't they be so cute with this romper? Anyway! I made my way over to the fitting room and as I'm trying to, very cleverly, quietly find this romper, I overhear the fitting room lady yell "I don't know who Liberty is or why she's so important, but she needs to get her clothes OFF my racks. They are clogging up everything. Bitter fitting room lady #2 responds: "They're not even cute." O-Kayyyyy. I very quietly got out of there as fast as I could, afraid if they were onto me they'd flog me with hangers.

As I dashed away though, I did bump into a most delightful rack of pj's. I thought, "I need pj's. You always need pj's, right?" And hence, my first ever-so-blissful Liberty of London Purchase.

Behold:

I was so taken with this little guy. It fits perfectly and is coy & flirty all at the same time. So, obviously, I couldn't stop there. I decided to venture over to the Alexandria Target to continue my quest for Liberty. I mean, its just an allover happier atmosphere there and surely they'd be much more accommodating & have tons and TONS of stuff, right? (CH had close to nothing. Sads.) Yeah, well, I was wrong. When we next convene, I will tell you a very sad tale about my experience at the Alexandria Target. Get your tissues ready, pals. 'Til next time. XOXO!

Whole Foods Fury

2010-04-07T15:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Whole Foods,

I do not think it is very funny that I came in the other day for three items and you made me spend $88.00. I was in charge of the wine, the dessert, and the flowers for easter dinner. The easter lily that I bought was very pretty but it also made me sneeze a lot when I got home because I'm allergic to pollen. I really did like those pink and red tulips though. Good thing they were 2 for $12. Can I just recommend that you make a different bag to carry potted plants in? When I carried the Easter Lily home one of the blooms was open (SO fragrant & pretty) and I was wearing a white shirt only when I got home I noticed my left boob was yellow. So, you know. Either cut those stamens off or get a better bag please? Also, how lucky that you had lobster bisque, my absolute favorite?! AND triple squash! I had to get that one in the biggest size because who knows how long you will carry it what with the season change and all.

Thank you for putting blackberries on sale. You know I like to have fresh produce to bring to work every week. And thank you also for those lovely pre-packaged vegetables, all chopped up beautifully and ready to grill. I think I'll try to roast them in the oven. I don't have a grill. And I hate red peppers. Can you leave those out next time?

Can you also extend the hours of your sandwich bar? I got there at 9 o' clock on Saturday and it closed at 8:30 p.m. Really, what difference does a 1/2 hour make? I wanted an egg salad sandwich so then I had to buy egg salad plus sourdough bread just to make it on my own! Because, you know, the sandwich bar was closed and I really really needed it to go with my lobster bisque.

Hmmm. I'm a big fan of that South African Sauvignon Blanc that you carry. I thought I'd support my people by buying it. Now that I think, its probably not even owned by black people but at least I tried. Maybe it would've been better if I'd purchased something from the Ethiopian wine shop next door. I was just too tired by then though, because I had about 45 lbs of groceries when I was only planning on 5. And my arms hurt.

OMG, WHOLE FOODS!!! That apple pie you sold me looked sooooooooooooooooooo delicious!! With the cinnamon sugar gently resting on top & those carmelized apples that peeped through the crust! It was love at first sight. It was also really heavy. Its probably the pie that made my arm go numb 3 blocks into my walk home. When I went to eat my lobster bisque, my hand was actually shaking as I lifted the spoon! Imagine my disappointment when we took the top off on Easter Sunday and found mold growing beneath it, right underneath the label so I couldn't even see! That was very sneaky of you! Very, very sneaky. Its also a good thing I didn't see that it was $15.99 until I went to return it. Then I may have thrown it at someone. That'll teach me to just "assume" I know what something costs because you forget to put a price on it. Or any of the other apple pies in the vicinity. As it is, that moldy pie is back with you and now I'm totally hip to your game. I'll be ready next time, I swear. I will NOT be had.

Now, just let me know when you plan on serving that lobster bisque again, please? I'll be back in and I promise to only bring ONE bag and NOT buy any at the checkout. I think that's a really good plan.

Love,
Bex

River as Nutritionist

2010-04-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

I know there hasn't been a River-sighting recently, but here's one for all of his fans. All 3 of them ;-)

Me: How nutritious is goat cheese?
River: LOL. Seriously, I wish I was in DC right now and you didn't have to work so we could go get into some shit.
Me: That would be PERFECT!!! When are you coming?
River: And you could look at me with a straight face and ask me if goat cheese is nutritious.
Me: I'm serious! It was supposed to be my HEALTHY SNACK.

5 hrs later...

Me: I really think that Easter leftovers are my favorite.
River:...that are now three days old...
Me: Have you MET me?!! I will eat something that is a week old.
River: And you won't drink WATER?!! You are a conundrum.
Me: I TOLD YOU I'm trying to drink one Nalgene a day. During the week. When I'm at work. Because that's where the bottle is.

Pinky Swear!

2010-03-26T18:43:00.001-07:00

I'll be back super soon...have a couple posts in the works, promise!

Things I'm Thinking While Up in the Air

2010-03-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

...or en route to Up in the Air anyway.

1.) STEP INTO THE AISLE (whilst de-boarding). STEP INTO THE ROW (while boarding).

2.) Dear Person to My Left: How much DID you actually drink last night? Because I think I'm getting drunk off the alcohol coming out of your pores.

3.) STOP leaning over me to look out the window. It is rude. I am in the window seat. If you wanted to look out the window, you should've gotten one too.

4.) Dear Person Behind Me: The tray is connected to the seat in front of you, which contains me. The pocket on the seat in front of you is ALSO connected to the seat in front of you, which contains me. Please stop shoving things into, digging around in, and otherwise messing with the god-forsaken pocket. I did NOT sign up for a weird chair massage in my nether regions when I bought the ticket for this flight. Also, for the love of puppies, keep the tray UP or DOWN. I am trying to sleep and the constant jolting is not enjoyable.

5.) Seriously person to my left, please STOP BREATHING ON ME. I am now hungover and might puke from the fumes you are emitting. Also, sadly, I seem to have left all of my AA brochures in my checked bag.

6.) I am not interested in buying any snack boxes, sandwiches, or salamis from your little cart for $5. I am boycotting the lack of meals on this ridiculously long flight. That's why I spent $10 on a pizza I won't finish from the airport Pizza Hut stand.

7.) Just because I don't take up my whole seat doesn't meant you're entitled to part of it.

8.) Yes, I have gum. No, I'm not sharing.

9.) I am a Silver member! Obviously I should get the last blanket!

10.) Well, that was fun! Let's do it again in 2 weeks!

Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee

2010-02-23T13:24:00.000-08:00

These are the things that made me mad as a hornet today:

1.) This newscaster in DC who thinks he's funny (I can only presume) posted this as his Facebook status:

Craig Melvin Ladies, you may be losing your eggs faster than you thought!

With a link to this post: "Ovaries have not adjusted to many women's decision to delay having children."--Washington Post http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/22/AR2010022203639.html?hpid=topnews

What the F is wrong with him and what the F is up with WaPo and their doomsday forecasts for singletons? I am SICK of them. Between the post above, this one: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/09/AR2009120904546.html?referrer=facebook

2.) THIS ONE:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/24/AR2010022405727.html

3.) and this one: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.washingtonpost.com%2Fwp-dyn%2Fcontent%2Farticle%2F2009%2F09%2F15%2FAR2009091502981.html&h=7840840069f70a996048aa06a7a703d2
Michael Gerson - Today's Singles, Lost Without a Courtship Narrative - washingtonpost.com

I'm mad enough to spit. Seriously. And that is really, really, REALLY mad! ;-)

Here's what I don't get Mr. Gerson & Mr. Melvin: Where the HELL do you get off telling me what I should or should not do regarding my reproductive and/or carnalductive futures?! Since when are either of you the authority? This shizz isn't funny. I don't need YOU, CM, of all people, to tell me that my days may be numbered. I get that at the doctor's office (someone who actually has a degree and is, you know, licensed, to dispense this kind of advice), from the WaPo where I'm battered and abused on at least a monthly basis, and at family dinner on Sunday when Aunt Marisol inquires yet again "If I'm ever planning on getting married," so that she is sure that she "will get her invite." Yeah, I know what lame excuse you'll say. You'll say "Oh, well you don't have to read the paper." Or "Oh, well I'm a newsman and I'm just spreading the news." Bullshit. With reporting comes responsibility. And I, for one, am quite tired of you thinking that your responsibility is to to tell me what others are doing with their own love lives and thus, what I should/could/might/will be doing with mine.

Screw you.

I make enough mistakes on my own (as you can read from this blog).

I don't need you showing me others that I could/might/would make, OR putting random people's relationships on display for me to "learn from." That's their damn business. Yes, even if they volunteered. That's their business and what I do or don't do is mine. Do not EVER presume or project that I'm in some kind of "sexual wasteland" because I choose to be single and unmarried at the oh-so spinster-y age of 27. That's my business and I should be free to make every mistake I will make, learn every lesson I will learn, without you on my back about what is "morally right," in my ear trying to scare me about what is "reproductively responsible, and in my face with yet another tactic that EVERYBODY'S DOING! for how I can finally find a boyfriend because there aren't any black ones left (that's you, Deneen and Helena).

Let me say on that subject, really quickly, that I think it is a SAD DAY when black women are encouraged to look outside their race because the alternative is so undesirable. Or chiefly because that's what some black men have decided to do. The hell with those black men. That's a really sad treatise on the fractures within our community. Love who you love! WE (and by "we" I mean the black women that wish to be left out of this blanket dating therapy session) are FINE. We're not agonizing over the endangered black man. We're not sobbing into our pillows every time we see a black man with someone of another race. We're certainly not giving up on the entire future of the black community. Repeat after me: WE. ARE. FINE. We only get irritated and despairing when we seem to be drawn & quartered in the press because someone else has decided there's a problem. The sentiments of the few are not always the sentiment of the many. P.S., H, if your attitude didn't suck, you might have an easier time. And D, I'm really saddened by what appears to be your lack of faith or belief in the strength in our community. Sure, we have issues. What group doesn't?

I'll be superhappy when the "plight of the single black woman" stops being such a superhot topic and the media (hello, Fox, CNN, WaPo?!) can leave us the heck alone. I'm okay. I will love whomever I want to love because I choose to love them, not because I'm afraid or cajoled or convinced. I hope you two do the same.

And honestly, don't you dare tell me that my friend Salome's beautiful fairy baby is the product of a morally corrupt society because she was born out of wedlock. She is the closest thing to pure love I've ever witnessed.

Love is a very, very delicate discourse. I wish people would treat it more gently. They don't. I don't. Hell, you probably don't either. But the point is no one is perfect. And the last thing anyone wants, at the dinner table or in the f'ing newspaper, is judgment for what we have done or failed to do in the pursuit of love. Leave us singletons alone, damnit. Right or wrong, we're the ones that are still able to find adventure, fail miserably, suffer tremendous heartbreak, pick ourselves up, put on some lip gloss (or Axe or whatever guys do) and search another day. And we like it that way.

Jones Clone?

2010-02-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

My mother is an amazing cook. She also has 501 million kitchen gadgets to aid in her culinary endeavors. Recently she's even branched out into non-kitchen affiliated gadgets like the "Go Duster" http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/godust402.html and the "Point and Paint" (featured in The Great Apartment Makeover) and seen here: https://www.officialtvwebsite.com/pointnpaint/index.asp?did=644&refcode=paint1&phone=1-800-970-4571). I must say, when I left my beloved sheets at home in the Carolina, I was mildly alarmed when she offered to replace them by buying a set on QVC and having them shipped to me.

The real horror however, was yet to come.

Two weeks ago I was alone in my hotel room when an advertisement for this product came on : http://www.wenhaircare.com/.

It was a Saturday morning and I was packing to leave my hotel in Noman'sland, Texas. I was, literally, getting the hell out of dodge. And couldn't wait. So when this clearly paid-for-television ad came on, it is quite shocking and horrific to admit that I immediately picked up the phone and ordered a 30-day supply for $19.95. To be fair, it is completely sulfate-free and thus, compatible with the Brazilian Blowout that I begged Jose to give me three months ago (and lemme tell you, it totally transformed my poodle-top). My hair is still a bit ridic when curly, but when straight, its AMAZI-straight. And so, dear Chaz, I really hope that WEN will work wonders for me too. Otherwise, I will have to send it back for a full refund, as promised on the infomercial (YOU watch and see if you can resist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLGbgcOezNU). Thx.

Oh, help me. Am I a Jones clone???? ALREADY? I'M NOT EVEN 30!!!!! Still, I anxiously await little WEN's arrival.

The Road to Hell is Paved with Beggin' Strips

2010-02-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

Right. The following story is a prime of example of what happens when I decide that I will actually follow Mom's wishes and be polite. Honestly, anytime I'm ready to sass someone I hear her voice in my head, over and over, saying be polite. And so that's exactly what I was trying to do! This is what I get for being polite.

So part of the reason that I was late for B-quad is that I attended Kirk's birthday bowling, briefly, before (say that five times fast!). By the way, I'm actually really mad at Kirk because I busted my arse to make it to both of her birthday events and mine was after hers on Saturday but she still didn't bother to show up! That made me really, really mad. She hasn't even acknowledged it OR apologized. I know that I ranted about friends not calling to tell me they couldn't make it, but I still expect some follow-up. Don't just not show & not talk to me about it later. Anyway, this is another reason to be mad at her.

While I was not bowling at the bowling party (I don't like bowling, the shoes scare me) I met this guy, Bentley, who looked similar to the guy that I was crushing on at her event the night before, Talib. Similar does not equal the same. So he seemed nice enough, even though his sweater was a bit too small and he jeans were too tight. Also he was wearing a backwards baseball cap. When I showed his picture to Kitty later she pointed out that he should not have been wearing a v-neck w/o a shirt underneath. A good point actually. Anyway, I met Bentley and we chatted a bit. I told the bowlers that they were more than welcome to come to B-quad after, since Kirk was probably going and the more the merrier! Here's where the trouble starts.

Bentley was like, "That sounds like fun, I'd definitely like to come through. Give me your number and I'll text you if I have problems finding it." I said okay. No biggie, right? A friend of Kirk's is a friend of mine! So he ends up coming to the party and then talks about how he lives in Philly & is going to drive home after which I think is a very. bad. idea. Princess and I both tell him he's more than welcome to stay on either of our respective couches (even though I didn't mean it because you know I never let boys come up) instead of make the dangerous & treacherous drive back to Philadelphia. Please remember it was snowing & dark & he'd had at least a few drinks. He declined.

I found it a bit odd when, later, he texted me to thank me for the offer and to tell me that he was actually going to drive home anyway. I found it even more odd when I had a random missed call on my phone, listened to my voicemail, and discovered a message from "Bentley Williams." It was muffled so it sounded more like Barkley Weems. Anyway! I thought, its weird that he's calling, but I should probably call him back because he's Kirk's friend and it would be rude to just ignore it. Really I should be polite.

[Full disclaimer. Obviously I am selfish and thought that maybe, just maybe I could like this guy. He seemed nice enough and maybe we'd have something in common! It couldn't hurt just to call him back. You know, to be polite. Just this once, and we'll see!]

Apparently I don't read my own blog and, for some reason, by now, could not have seen that this would be a cataclysmic disaster. I called him back and we started chatting. You know, work, life, stress, etc. The casual conversation of two casual 20-somethings who are casually getting to know one another. He mentioned that he travels. I mentioned that I travel a lot for work. He mentioned that he would have friends in town that weekend and needed to clean his apartment because he'd let it pile up. I did not mention that I currently had grilled cheese crusts on the floor of my own at-that-moment (and despite this, was racing off to dinner at Urbana which was totally YUM).

So I very casually, in a minding my own business not bothering anybody kind of way, said, "So will you be travelling again soon or will you be able to stay around Philly for awhile?" The following discourse ensued:

Bents: Oh, well I'm thinking of going to Atlantic City next weekend and I'm considering maybe going to Dallas for the All-Star game. But I'll most definitely be going to New York in two weeks. I go up there every year for the Westminster dog show.

Me: [laughs out loud. loudly out loud] The Westminster Dog Show?

Bents: Um...yeah. [pause] I don't know why you're laughing (he says v. seriously. like, VERY seriously).

Me: [mock choking on laughing/trying to stop laughing or at least similar to a chuckly] Oh! I mean! Nothing, its cute! SO, you go to the Westminster Dog Show every year? Really. I guess you really like dogs! (me acting the idiot)

Bents: Well yeah. I mean, I used to show dogs in college for money on the side.

[to self : WHAAAAAAT? WHO ARE YOU?!!! more importantly, why do you like MEEEEE??? Wowsa.]

Me to Bents: Ahem. Well. Okay.

I then uttered a sentenced that I have never conceived of uttering, nor have I ever thought I would form the words to construct, and thus, will never construct again outside of the context of this story.

Me to Bents: So...what's your favorite breed?

Peeps, I think that's all you need to know. I tried to wrap up the conversation quickly but not I could not successfuly end it before he commited the offense of asking "What do you do for fun in DC?" Jeebus. I was polite. I was nice. But I had to get the hell off the phone.

When he called two days later I decided that there was no reason to be polite anymore, as that could possibly construed as interest. And I am not interested. Here's the thing: I'm fine if you want to have hobbies. Have them to your heart's content! I only ask that you know which ones are weird and keep them from me until I'm emotionally invested enough not to care.* Otherwise I will run. Let's be honest, I look for any reason to run these days, and that one is as good enough as any. If not just for the fact that he used to show dogs and attends the Westminster dog show every year, but also for the fact that he has no idea that this is something you should keep to yourself. For a very long time.

The thing is, he called again. He's coming to the city & wants to hang out. And I have to fight the urge to be polite. I would like to be nice & call him back and say sure! Let's do lunch! But I would also hate to do lunch. I would equally hate to just ignore him. That's my total M.O.: do not call back until they forget about you. But I recognize that is mean. And my Lenten goal is to give up caffeine and liquor and doing things that I know I should not do. Which includes being mean. So what to do? I have no clue. But this much I know is true: the road to dating hell is definitely paved with beggin' strips.

Office Bytes

2010-02-19T13:58:00.000-08:00

As I'm sure you've been missing the brief scenes from my alternative universe of an office, here are a few updates (yes Chloe, this is partially for you!):

Since my work hours have FINALLY changed one would think that the ongoing power struggle between myself and my boss wherein he asked/harangued me to simply be on time and I simply refused had thankfully ended. My new hours are now 9:30-6:30...hurrah! Despite that, I received the following disconcerting e-mail from my boss:

From: Boss
Sent: Thursday, February 18, 2010 4:35 PM
To: Bex
Subject: guess what....

You and I get to discuss tomorrow – YOUR REVIEW~!

What time works for you? 9am?

Cheers,

Boss

From: Bex
Sent: Thursday, February 18, 2010 4:36 PM
To: Boss
Subject: RE: guess what....

Sure, I’d be happy to meet at 9 if I can conference in from bed. Then you can expect me here at approximately 10:30 a.m. Otherwise, we can meet at 10:30 a.m.

Thanks!

From: Boss
Sent: Thursday, February 18, 2010 4:37 PM
To: Bex
Subject: RE: guess what....

SO 9am is out of the question – got it. 1030am it is!

Happy Thursday,

Boss

[end]

I find that exchange unfunny. No one messes with me and my a.m. beauty rest.

Other office bytes:

1.) We received about 12 King Cakes for Mardi Gras this year. I got the baby in the last one. I was overjoyed...until I discovered that it was not gold like the one that came two cakes ago. Similar to winning bronze in the Ollyies when you really expected gold. Waiting for that good luck though!
2.) Dwight has changed the artwork on his cube from a newspaper funny about our company to a drawing that articulates the dynamics of curling.
3.) Women execs continue trying to coordinate their snowboots to their outfits (one sporting a black leather skirt) to no success.

And the good times they keep a' rolling!

Actions Speak Louder

2010-02-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

In Salsa Player's defense, he did apologize.

Actual e-mail exchange sent following birthday debacle:

from Salsa Player salsaplayer @gmail.com
to Bex bex @gmail.com
date Mon at 8:23 AM
subject Hey

I'm very sorry about the unpleasant exchange Saturday night. It was inappropriate, and I was dumb. I'd like to make it up to you somehow, but understand if that's not something in which you have any interest. I'm truly sorry.

from Bex bex @gmail.com
to Salsa Player salsaplayer @gmail.com
date Mon 12:10 PM
subject Re: Hey

Forgiven. We'll figure it out. Happy Birthday!

If you were wondering if he ever "made it up" to me, you and I are in the same boat. Except for an e-mail regarding my love of Glee, I haven't heard from him since. And I'm over it. I may even be over the friendship. Maybe he needs some time? I mean, that's fine, but just say so! Gosh I despise boys. But other times, they are sooooooo sweet. Particularly, I love this boy: http://www.johnlegend.com/us/home. Can we figure out how I can marry him, please?

When it Blizzards on Your Birthday

2010-02-19T08:30:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I haven't written in three weeks because I was so wrecked at my birthday celebration(s) that I'm just now recovering. Well, you would be wrong. Partially. So I guess that means you're partially right. ;-) But honestly, we got 50 inches of snow here! Okay maybe just 15. And that really affected my ability to, er, write.

Overall, of course my lengthy recovery means that I had a fantastic time. I really, really, did. And I thank all of my friends that made it to the fete, despite the snowstorm. I even thank the ones who didn't, because it's the thought that counts and I love you just the same (still that was like half my guest list!). Just to review, there was a mini-storm the night of my birthday, followed by two really big storms two weeks later. If you think spending the first few hours of your birthday fielding calls from friends who are phoning to tell you they can't make it to your birthday party is, at all, fun...um, think again.

Dear Friends, I love you, but I am not AT ALL interested in hearing that you can't make it. Just don't come. Explain later. I'd much rather spend the first few hours of my birthday either a) burrowed under the covers where it is warm and dreamy or b) talking to people who just called to say "Happy Birthday" and "I love you." That is v. nice.

What's really funny is that I totally understand being snowed in, but my city snobbery makes me want to reply "No one told you to move to Virginia/Maryland anyway." ;-) I'm only half-joking. Isn't that mean? Isn't it so singleton-selfish? Sowwwy.

Anyway! After I stopped answering my phone, the day improved dramatically. I was, of course, late to my own party and birdless so I had to quickly don my Uggs with my birthday suit, dash back across the street, grab the very special birthday feather for my hair, and return to the fete.

It was awesome. There were Mardi Gras beads (some that lit up), a second line umbrella, three cakes (wonder why I woke the next day to find chocolate cake bits stuck to the front of my birthday suit and icing on the left hip?) and the Cupid Shuffle. What else does one need? Oh, and hookahs. Lots and lots of hookahs. And fist-pumping. AH, just talking about it makes me wish it were still happening! Although I guess that would mean a three-week long party. Similar to Carnivale? I digress.

Here is my peak/pit evaluation of B & B's Birthday Bash:

Peak(s): I can't choose just one!!! Having Happy Birthday sung to us three times, that wonderfully amazing chocolate strawberry cake from Cakelove (see previous post), champagne and mojitos, the fist pumping, my red boa, my purple Mardi Gras mask supplied by Vanessa and that moment when I danced with the umbrella. (see right) In that picture you can see Bonnie! She is wearing the pink & black dress. We were so twinsy and didn't even plan it!

My only pit: B-quad (Bex & Bonnie's Birthday Bash) seems to have spelled the end of me & Salsa Player. It is very sad. Except not. I mean, I miss him a bit, but I can't like, convince him that I'm in love with him when I'm not yet...and I don't even really know if that's what he wanted. Maybe that's unfair. Maybe he didn't want me to be in love with him? I actually don't know what he wanted. I guess I'll never find out.

Here's the nitty gritty: Following the awkward encounter over dinner we didn't talk at all, for like, days. Then I e-mailed him something and he e-mailed back. I invited him over to watch the Globes & he went to dinner with his roommates. I went away for a week and maybe got ONE E-MAIL whilst I was gone. Still, again I asked him if he wanted to see a movie when I got back. He said he had to go to his parents' and could we retry for Monday. I said no because The Bachelor is on Mondays (it is!). He said he'd come over & watch it with me. I said okay. On Monday he said he had to unclog the drain in his house (apparently one of the roommates clogged it) and he had to reschedule. Um, SERIOUSLY?!!! He never rescheduled.

I am not the boy. He is the boy. He is supposed to make the plans. Despite that, I tried, I really really did! Once the fast was over I realized that maybe I could've gone a little easier on him and I tried to make up for it but he was just being...well, squirrely about it. Moving along: Thursday I asked him if he wanted to go for coffee. He said he had a meeting. So I said that I'd see him Saturday. Which brings us to B-quad=the end of Salsa Player hearts Bex.

Around midnight he still hadn't shown up. I texted him to see if he was coming and he wrote back "Do you want me to?" WHAT?! Aren't we supposed to be dating here? Is you crazy? Anyway! I replied "obvi." He came, kept talking in a weird Russian accent, took 500 pictures from crazy angles (evidenced above), and then tried to leave without saying goodbye. I asked him, many times, to 1) hang out! get a drink! 2) meet a, b, c, d, e..... 3) stop taking pictures & dance! 4) STOP TAKING PICTURES FROM CRAZY ANGLES. JUST TAKE A NORMAL ONE FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE- to no avail. So when I saw him putting on his coat and leaving without saying goodbye I sort of lost it. Oopsie. I mean, it could've been worse! Maybe I'd had a bit too much champagne/mojito/cake, but I was really, really calm! Sort of.

(Bex makes beeline for Salsa Player, currently retreating)

Me: SP, what are you doing?

SP: Leaving.

Me: Why?

SP: Because I'm ready to go.

Me: Without saying goodbye?

SP: (shrugs)

Me: What is WRONG with you? (in what could be perceived as slightly shrill tone)

SP: (stares blankly)

Me: I mean, I just don't get it!

SP: (still staring blankly. possibly at me. possibly at light from UFO)

Me: Okay, here's the thing. I'm totally confused. We have the awkward dinner, we never talk about it, you never call me to talk about it, I don't hear from you, I don't see you, I keep trying to hang out and you never respond, like, what's the problem?

SP: (stares awkwardly and presses lips together in what could be perceived as "I may-or-may-not-know-this-shrieking-girl"-maneuver) In my defense, the music was loud. No one else could hear me.

Me: Alright, if you don't want to talk about it, fine. I'll just say this. I think maybe we should just stick with being friends. I mean, I think you're awesome and I love hanging out with you but if you refuse to like, FIX THIS, there's nothing else I can do and I just won't try anymore.

SP: (finally breaking epic silence) WHOA NOW!! Come ON! (really, that's all he said)

Me: What? WHAT? What else am I supposed to do?

SP: Kiss me. Right now.

Me: WHAT?

SP: Kiss me!

Me: (kisses SP)

SP: Come on. You can do better than that.

Me: SP. I am not making out with you right now. Especially since you refuse to even talk to me or fix this.

SP: Okay, fine. I'll stay.

Me: No, I don't want you to stay anymore.

SP: No, I'm staying.

Me: No you're not, you're going. We'll talk about this later. Go.

And he went.

Ladies & Gents, that is how you kill a bad romance on your birthday. ;-) It wasn't the complete & final end of Salsa Player, but we haven't been the same since. We're not even friends anymore. I'm really bummed about it, but honestly, was there any other resolution? We were always kind of missing something. I'd hoped to find it and was happy to be patient & you know, learn about one another? But I think maybe he was a bit ahead. Once I asked him if I made him nervous and he said yeah, that when he's around me his heart races. I think its adorable. I think he's adorable. But I just wasn't in deep yet. I wasn't at the point where I could save an argument that shouldn't have even happened with a huge ridiculous movie kiss. And maybe that's what he needed to prove that I really liked him & wanted him there? But I thought I'd done that. And at that point, there wasn't much else I was willing to do.

I feel the same right now. I still think he's incredible and hope soon that our friendship will recover. But for now, as then, I'm just glad it ended before anyone got really hurt. And I was happy to return to my party and fist-pump with the best of them. It's a shame he wasn't with me. His loss. That was really the only pit of the party! When B-quad was over my friends Talia, Emme, and I crashed another birthday party that was happening next door (circa 2 a.m.?), which was almost equally as awesome. Cause when the party ends, find another! Which I think is a v. good metaphor for life. :-)

I made it to brunch the next morning, still seeing double but blissfully happy to see my marrieds. I also agreed to something that I swore I'd never do. More about that later. My 3rd birthday wrap-up at Farmers & Fishers had to be rescheduled because of the snow which makes me happy-sad. Sad that I couldn't see everyone then, but happy that my birthday continues until March! Because why? Because friends, when the party is rescheduled, it just means you extend the celebration. Which, again, I think is a v.v. good metaphor for life. No? ;-)

A Little Birthday Wisdom

2010-01-28T16:49:00.000-08:00

Because I'm old enough to baby-sit most of you, I think you should take my advice. Or, at least, the advice of those much older, wiser, and more talented than all of us (at least, they try). And yes, Magda, this could mean they've been around the block. ;-)

Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter

Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words. - Plautus (obvi my fave)

Birthdays? yes, in a general way; For the most if not for the best of men: You were born
(I suppose) on a certain day: So was I: or perhaps in the night: what then?
- James Kenneth Stephen

There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents ... and only one for birthday presents, you know. - Lewis Carroll

We turn not older with years, but newer every day. - Emily Dickinson

We are always the same age inside. - Gertrude Stein (for me this is 25)

Old age: A great sense of calm and freedom. When the passions have relaxed their hold, you may have escaped, not from one master but from many. - Plato

One of the signs of passing youth is the birth of a sense of fellowship with other human beings as we take our place among them. - Virginia Woolf

May you live all the days of your life.
- Jonathan Swift

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet. -Robert Orben

Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made.
- Robert Browning

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. - Maurice Chevalier

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. - Mark Twain

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
- Robert Frost

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. - John P. Grier

Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. - C.E.M. Joad

Age is a high price to pay for maturity. - Tom Stoppard

A birthday:—and now a day that rose
With much of hope, with meaning rife—
A thoughtful day from dawn to close:
The middle day of human life. - Jean Ingelow

If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes. - Euripides

Growing old is like being increasingly penalizedfor a crime you have not committed.
- Anthony Powell

At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; and at 40 the judgment. - Ben Franklin
Live as long as you may.

The first twenty years are the longest half of your life. - Robert Southey

Everything I know I learned after I was thirty. - Georges Clemenceau

Time and Tide wait for no man,but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
- Robert Frost

A man thirty years old, I said to myself, should have his field of life all ploughed, and his planting well done; for after that it is summer time. - Lew Wallace

Thirty five is a very attractive age;London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.- Oscar Wilde

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thrity-five. - Joel Hildebrand

Birthday-balooza

2010-01-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

I've got a birthday coming up! There are so many ways to celebrate birthdays and I try to knock out several each year. This weekend, I do hope, will be one of the best yet! It's already shaping up splendidly.

Normally I try to do as minimal planning as possible and at the last minute throw something together. For three years my birthday was cursed, honestly, horrible things happened for no apparent reason, so I just started trying to ignore it. Then, suddenly, it all turned around! My birthdays for the past few years have really been lovely, due in no small part to my fabulous & wonderful group of friends, and of course, this incredible city.

This year I'm joining forces with Bonnie, who will be no less than 31! Lucky girl! Happy Birthday Bonnie! We're having a party at a lounge in the city and I have had near meltdowns on no less than 3 occasions getting bogged down in the details. This is why I don't plan. From spending limits to menus to guests lists to invitations...I mean honestly. Can't we just all accept e-vite and have that be it? Now there's like 50 different ways to invite someone to something and its just like in He's Just Not that Into You...50 different ways to get rejected by a potential guest through 50 different mediums. I've decided to rank the (semi-) most popular in order of formality:

1.) Paperless Post: Truly the most exquisite, but still in beta, requires "stamps"--read, annoying--and the most likely to be caught in someone's spam filter. But looks just like real paper! Real, delicate, hand-crafted invitation paper! Divine.

2.) E-vite: Everyone's familiar, but everyone uses it!...nothing exceptional about evite unless you are genius and can pen lovely rhymes for each invitation. I am. I rarely do these days, on account of old age.

3.) Facebook: This is the worst. I never read my invites to anywhere...maybe because this scrub from college sends me 50 e-mails a week advertising his "grown & sexy" parties thrown at clubs in Nashville. I have replied "unsubscribe" to many of these. He does not care. Anyway, I had to resort to Facebook this year because so many of my friends' PP invites got stuck in spam, or just plain never got there. Oh, the shame.

Despite these minor blips, I am ready to celebrate, full force. Here's the b-day itinerary:

Friday

Off from work. Sleep all day. Eyebrow wax w/ Debbie @ Fusion (ever since I got the bangs my eyebrows look like they're advancing towards each other in battle. Is time to raise the white flag and call the troops home). Bang trim @ Hair Cuttery ( I will not go to Jason for this because he charged me $25 last time. Ridic. Instead, will go to Hair Cuttery where it is $5 and bring photo of past bangs to subvert haircut-induced panic attack. Attempt to locate long birthday candles for special Mum-ordered cake (to join precious bouquet of yellow roses that she sent to my office)! Happy Hour for Kirk's birthday, which is the day before mine. Ooh, in college we had a joint 21st birthday party! The Aquarius Birthday, if I remember correctly. It was a debacle I barely remember, obviously. Which means it was fun, right?!!! Anyway.

Saturday

Sleep all morning. Pick up this cake from Cakelove that Mum ordered special for occasion (click here to see other delicious offerings http://www.cakelove.com/cakes_layered.php). Doesn't it look totally yum? Polish change. Makeup done special @ Mac? Still deciding. Cannot for life of me figure out whether it is wise or unwise to match shadow/liner with pink of dress. Unclear. Possible mass @ 4:30. Bowling & the Old Executive Building for Kirk's birthday (although may not actually bowl due to polish change and overall fear of bowling). Get ready at home. Roast & Gravy w/ mac 'n cheese at Vanessa's--pre-party for Bonnie & I's fete (which I like to call B&B's Birthday Bash). Talia & friends are pre-partying at Social but I don't think I'll make it, which bums me a bit, but hey, I can't burn out before the big bash, so I'll be okay. Then, B & B's Birthday-ganza!!!!!! Hoorah!

Sunday

Possible mass at 7:30 if miss on Saturday. Shudder to think. Would much rather spend morning sleeping off party-haze. Brunch with smug (but cute) marrieds at Eggspectations. I hate Eggspectations but smug marrieds like it so maybe it will be good this time? Hatred could be due to the fact that the last time I was there (easily 5 years ago) I was with the Poet and it was all we could do to keep from hurling egg-in-a-holes across the table at one another. Anyway, I'm there for the company, not the food! Then family dinner & Jones family Christmas! (I missed the first one because was w/ other side of the family).

Feb. 6

Fabulous wrap-up birthday celebration at Founding Farmers with all those who could not, would not party with this fox for any other event.

Seriously, just writing that out makes every molecule in this little lucky body jump for joy. I haven't really been excited all week, but I'm looking forward to spending my birthday with my nearest & dearest, and for those of you out-of-town that couldn't make it this year, you are so partying with me in my heart! Love you all! Happy Birthday Bonnie!

I'm out. When I talk to you next I'll be a whole year older!!! ;-)

STAGE 5 MELTDOWN HAPPENING NOW

2010-01-27T11:32:00.000-08:00

Um, right. I just turned down an invitation to go to a White House reception for Black History Month. Would you like to know why?

I will be traveling for work.

Do you see? Do you see how this job will actually be the end of me?!!!!

Actual E-mail Exchange, circa this morning

2010-01-25T09:05:00.000-08:00

This guy has been trying to date me for two years now. He's a good guy and all, but I absolutely refuse. Read on for the why:

On Jan 9
via gmail

3015555555@messaging.sprintpcs.com to me
hey, just thinking of u.."stole," a pic of you... do you have plans monday evening? I'm thinking dinner out...will call u tomo

(at which point I have to scramble and try to figure out who the hell this number belongs to and bing! it belongs to creepy-ish Kenneth, someone I know through a friend who resurfaces every so often and I dodge because of extremely awkward encounter two summers ago)

Bex to 3015555555@messaging.sprintpcs.com
Um, how exactly did you "steal" a picture of me? I actually do have plans tonight...its Restaurant Week and I'm positively booked! Sorry.

On Mon, Jan 11, 2010 at 11:58 PM, 3015555555@messaging.sprintpcs.com wrote:
??? was there a part2 to this txt that I didn't get?? also, ur suppossed to say "I can't monday, but I can .....thursday"

From: bex@gmail.com>Date: Tue, Jan 12, 2010 at 11:32 AM
Subject: Re:To: 3015555555@messaging.sprintpcs.com
That's the thing. I can't Thursday. I have reservations every day this week. Vidalia, Farmers & Fishers, SeaCatch and Darlington House. Saturday is game night. Sunday is family dinner. And next week I'm out of town on business travel.

On Tue, Jan 12, 2010 at 12:25 PM, kenneth@gmail.com> wrote:
*thinking-to-self* hmmmm looks like my drunk-*dial* turned prospect for eye-candy and conversation has gone awry...
ah well..
see u around town...
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

From: bex@gmail.com> Date: Tue, 12 Jan 2010 12:31:43 -0500To: kenneth @gmail.com
Subject: Re: Fwd:
You should know by now the drunk dials always go awry. :-)

kenneth@gmail.com to me Jan 12
well, if you weren't so elusive I wouldn't need the liquid courage to *speak*
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

On Jan 13
via Facebook message:

Kenneth January 13 at 4:39pm
don't take this all serious or anything, but i just came across it and it reminded me of our most recent *convo*.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goWavw-19dw

Bex January 25 at 10:51am
Nice jam. Somewhere there should be a song about guys who tell girls that they probably "like having [their] hair pulled" the first time they have a real conversation. :-) I danced around that for a long time, but there it is...the reason I may not take you very seriously. I mean, I'm just not that girl. And that's nothing against you, it just sort of showed me that we probably will see things a bit differently. And it stuck. That and the fact that you were "with" someone else at the time. I think you're a really good guy, I just think that we probably come from two different places.

I mean, honestly. Debate on whether I am a) crazy b) standing up for sisterkind c) both can now begin. I know I said I would start trying to be a little less blunt and stop choosing every opportunity to "tell people about themselves," but this was just the end. I had to be honest. I had to!

Birthday Suit

2010-01-25T08:59:00.001-08:00

One of the reasons my week turned fully around on Friday...a sweet little spot called Austin, TX and a lovely store called c.jane that housed my actual destiny. I found my birthday dress for the double bash (my friend Bonnie & I decided to join forces & host a big birthday fete together) on Saturday! It is by Max & Cleo and it is a little bit of heaven. The perfect birthday suit to celebrate another late-twenties-not-yet-thirty birthday! You think?

Day 21 (pt. 2)--Meltdown

2010-01-25T08:52:00.000-08:00

Put unhappy despot together with crazy cat lady, and throw in six days on the road doing a job I feel completely suffocated by, and you have the makings for a stage 4 meltdown. Which happened. Over and over again. I like to call those days Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Praise the Lord they're over. I was really tested last week.

My hair likes to do this fun thing when I'm stressed where it comes out in chunks...I discovered that this was occurring again right about the time that I found out I lost the dream apartment and exactly when I was quite fed up with with my job and fed up with being fed up with my job and fed up with myself for being fed up. And I had a bit of a meltdown. Somehow, I took a breath and now I realize that all the fears that I've had aren't actually real. And its okay to melt down. River sent me this e-mail, and it is completely right:

Bex:
I hope you have a much better day, today. I know from your emails that you are frustrated right now. When I get frustrated, I always examine why I am frustrated and why it is happening to me! I always wonder if I am frustrated for the right reasons ... then I try to let them go, and just realize that I hope or want to do everything in my own power to relieve them. I know you wish certain things were different, and that life would be different, but I think you're at least in a great place to make the changes you need. I won't give you the laundry list, but you're doing great. I look at my own life and am frustrated with a lot of things, and I wonder when they will change for me. But also, too, certain things are happening to me that are happening to me while I wait for the things I want. And I am happy for those things, too. Enjoy it! Maybe frustration is our mind's way of push-push-pushing us towards things we want, and making them happen. Who knows?
Be well,
River

See? Isn't he divine? Also, yesterday I flew in and made it just-in-time for mass where Fr. Pat was discussing how we can learn from the faith of the people in Haiti. Despite all the destruction, disease, and desperation, people have hope. They've been going to church in droves and continue to ask God for help. While many people are asking how God can exist when devastation like that happens, they continue to believe that he is there, and will be there to help them get through this. Fr. Pat said this: If you're ever at a point where you're overwhelmed and upset, unhappy, or in a really bad place, you may start to believe that you are alone. That God has abandoned you. Believe this instead: That is a lie from hell. You are never alone. And that's true. Along with my faith, I have amazing family, friends, and lots of little miracles that happen every day (like today even though I got rained on and my bangs frizzed out and I accidentally bought a child-size umbrella, it turns out that umbrella is perfect for Ashley's daughter. She will love it! And I love that).

Those are the things I'm going to start focusing more on. I can't control everything. But I can control how I respond to things and whether I will see all of the bad things in my life, or all the good things. From now on, I choose good. I think, overall, maybe life is just a balance...the things that bother me now will eventually be resolved and there will be other things that may or may not bother me as much, but there will always be an equal amount (or more) of things to be grateful for. I think they call that the good stuff. Now, I'm not saying that I'm suddenly going to be thrilled with every aspect of my job, but maybe, just maybe, if I focus more on the incredible meal that I'll have at Vidalia later, or even something as small as the new episode of The Bachelor, it'll be a little easier to get through my day. ;-) Maybe if I can see the good stuff (significant & insignificant) a little clearer, I'll be able to deal with the worries a lot better. Honestly, happiness is a choice. An effort, and a choice. Its easy to forget, but probably one of the biggest lessons this time has taught me thus far.

By the way...did I mention I'm in the HOME STRETCH?!!!!

Day 21- The Home Stretch!

2010-01-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

So I've been offline for the last couple of weeks for v. good reason. It was hell. Actual hell on earth. OF COURSE my fast would fall during Restaurant Week, which made for very creative juggling of the rules and four different reservations. Somehow I managed and enjoyed wonderful meals with lovely company at Vidalia, Farmers &Fishers, SeaCatch, and Darlington House, in that order. I dined with Fox, Salsa Player, Princess & Kirk, and Big Stuff, who I haven't seen since we studied abroad together 8 years ago!

I pretty much managed making whatever meal I was eating out my only meal of the day, cutting portion size, and taking the rest home. I definitely felt kind of guilty because I indulged a bit, but the persistent headache I've had for the past day & 1/2 tells me that I'm probably still doing this thing right.

I was on the road last week for work and the rules were a bit looser because of all the restrictions travel puts on, AND the energy that my kind of work travel requires. I also cried every night on the road until we got to Austin, TX on Friday, so that didn't help. I've had to eat a bit more to keep my fortitude up, but I'm in the home stretch peeps!

So why have the last two weeks been hell? I guess a combination of things. I was feeling great and Salsa Player decided that it was the appropriate time to grill me on whether or not I was "happy" in life. I'll just say this: it was not the appropriate time. And that sort of sent me into a tailspin. Because as I told him, I may not be happy with some aspects of my life right now, but overall, I'm a pretty happy person. I would think that he's been around me enough to know that...apparently I would think wrong. Kitty & Mischa said that he probably just wants to see me happy, which means he was coming from the right place and just phrased it awkwardly, and I agree. Still, in the middle of a fast where one is questioning all things life and in general trying to figure out what works, what doesn't, and what needs to be changed, perhaps SP could've had a little foresight. Yes, I realize we're talking about a boy here. That's sort of like asking a dog to start using the toilet instead of pee outside. ;-)

This whole awkward exchange happened two Wednesdays ago. On Saturday at girls' game night I mentioned that I might like to get a cat. I'd been looking at apartments in the area and was REALLY stoked about the possibility of moving into this beautiful place in DuPont, that allows pets. Phoebe's neighbor is getting married and has to get rid of her cat and I told her that maybe I could have it...at which point my dear friend Max stated that I could, by no means, get a cat because what if in five years I'm still single and have a cat and then get depressed because then I'll be crazy cat lady. Record skip. Wha-WHAT?????

I said, "Um, I'm not sure what you mean." She said "Well, you're already upset that all of your friends are getting married and having kids. If you get a cat, I don't want you to wake up one day all depressed because you're still single and are now the cat lady." At which point Phoebe said "And this is where it all goes downhill." She may have been sensing a meltdown on my part. Or a blowup. I may have been on the verge of one. However, you will all be proud of me because I, quite simply and calmly said "Why don't we just drop it and move on, shall we?" After I hysterically said in octave 8 "I am not upset that my friends are getting married and having babies!" See? Inner poise. :-)

And really, I'm not. While its true that, on the cusp of turning 30, my life doesn't look anything like I thought it would, I completely realize that love, marriage & babies are completely out of control. It's all up to the guy in the sky. And I'm okay with that. It will happen when its supposed to. Not to mention that I actually love being single now. I mean, obvi I can get lonely & sad, but even people in good marriages feel that way sometimes. Its just a part of life! Anyway, I'm rambling now...I was just really mad at Max because, for a moment, I felt like she didn't even know me. And for me, its really tough when I feel like my good friends don't even know me. You know? She called later & apologized and we actually had a really good talk, so all is well. Still...the seeds were sewn.

Day 9: Recalibrating

2010-01-11T10:16:00.001-08:00

I'd really planned to do nothing this weekend...just sit and veg out and deep condition my hair and put on a mask and watch t.v. So, it should come as a surprise to no one that I promptly made plans for lunch on Saturday and brunch on Sunday. I was a bit miffed about this after the fact, but honestly, it was good to get out of the house because I was headed into a downward mope spiral, which is never fun for anyone involved. I mean, honestly, I watched He's Just Not that Into You 5 times, the entire Season 4 of Sex and the City and took a long hot soak in the tub.

Lunch with Maggie was great. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in this late-twenties-limbo where you're not quite where you want to be in life but at the same time you love where you are...when you're kind of lonely and not dating anyone but absolutely adore being single...when you don't clean your apartment for a good three weeks and just walking in and tripping over last night's grilled cheese crust is enough to make you throw something but still, yet still, you just can't bring yourself to committ to cleaning up. Apparently I am not the only one (which is good because if memory will serve correctly, I am not good at the limbo--refer to "Tomfoolery" where, at Felon's wedding, I attempted to limbo holding a glass of champagne and promptly fell on my Shoshanna gold-embroidered-purple-paisleyed arse). Maggie, Vanessa, KM, Bonnie, Chanel (and a host of others)...we're all there. So Mags and I chatted a lot about that and it made me feel good to hear that she completely understands where I am. And I didn't feel so crazy. Its really nice to have friends like that so close by. Brunch with my friend Bobby on Sunday was slightly less successful. We went to college together and hanging out with him solo is sort of like being in The Princess and the Frog, except without the magic. He just will not stop having a crush on me and I will not stop seeing him as my annoying snotty little brother (minus the snot, plus the effect). But he's really very nice and we go to the same church so sometimes its good to be around people who just know you. Y'know? Suffice it to say, pals, that even though I was mad at myself for making plans, this weekend turned out to be exactly what I needed to recalibrate. Or, as Whittley (A Different World) would say, Relax, Relate, Release. OR, as the greenies would say, Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Or something ;-)

Ciao for now!

Day 5- Upswing

2010-01-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

So today began really rotten, but ended up pretty well. I'm sure I ate a little more than I was supposed to, but that's okay. I certainly burned more than enough energy being angry. I was on my way to work this morning when Jackal drove by and HONKED at me. I mean, seriously. Can you imagine? A sane person would have ignored this and let this go. However, I am slightly off-sane. I am hungry and contemplative and trying to get to a positive place for goodness' sake! I do not need goading! So I gave him the stink eye and continued on my merry way. And when I got to the office I thought about it. And thought. And thought. And got myself very worked up.

So I sent him an e-mail telling him expressly that, under no circumstances was he allowed to honk and me or acknowledge my presence if we happen to run into each other in public. Because he is NOT a nice person, he tells lies, and he is not in my life. Period. Instead of this pacifying my rage, I got even angrier. He replied saying "Got it. No more honking." I responded and said "lies lies lies lies lies." Yeah. That one took awhile to calm down from. I was a bit giddy (I'll admit) from the last exchange, thinking "Yes! I got it right this time!" But really, didn't he win anyway? He got a reaction. I just keep thinking this whole get over it thing would be a lot easier if he would stay out of my freaking face already. After "lies lies lies" he called. I refused to answer. He called again. I picked up the phone and slammed it down. Kitty yelled at me for even responding in the first place. This helped no one.

Then, as if he had ESP, Salsa Player asked if I wanted to go for a walk at 3:30. And I did. And it was lovely. And that's all I'll say about it. The day certainly went up from there!

In other news, I forgot to mention that at the end of Day 4 I gave up my seat so a father could sit down w/ his toddler in two empty seats instead of squeezed next to a stranger. The baby responded by not wanting her own seat. Of course.

I had several cups of tea & water, 1 piece of fish from my fish & chips meal from the Dubliner, 4-5 chips, and ate the other piece of fish later at home. Hopefully that counts as 3 snacks.

It seems that I'm nearing the end of my very first full week and I'll say this: its been a rollercoaster. Am I any closer to any of my goals? Hopefully. I am committed to the project though. Its still early days, challenging though it may be, there's still a lot to learn, and a lot of room to grow. And for those of you that still have a bit of a problem with this (and there are a few of you, I've heard) just think of it this way: you'd have no problem if I were preparing for a marathon because I wanted to be in better shape or more disciplined...this is essentially the same thing! I'm sacrificing almost the same amount of calories, without the exertion, only I'm in training for a better life. Yay, Me.

Have a good weekend, loves.

Day 4- Quitting Time?

2010-01-07T10:47:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I very nearly quit. This is a lot harder than I ever expected it to be. I haven't quit yet (mainly because Kimora Lee Simmons is in my head, on a loop, saying "If you want to quit, then quit, and you will be a quitter"). You remember! The episode on Life in the Fab Lane where James didn't get the clothes in time for the photo shoot? Anyway, I haven't quit yet but...well, I don't know what else to say besides this is hard. Not just the fast, but other things. Hopefully more tomorrow.

Why are you doing this crazy fast anyway? Are you some kind of religious zealot now? Or worse, do you have an EATING DISORDER???

2010-01-06T14:58:00.001-08:00

Uh huh. I've gotten this a couple times already, if not in so many words, in so many looks. :-)Feel free to visit this brief little 101 on fasting for Catholics. Maybe it'll help you understand a bit more...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fasting_and_abstinence_in_the_Roman_Catholic_Church

Day 3

2010-01-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

Honestly, Day 3 was pretty frustrating. Of course I'm a little famished, but apart from that, its true what they say: "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." "Ask and you shall receive." All that jazz. I asked for clarity and clarity told me that I probably do not want to date Salsa Player. BAD. I adore Salsa Player, I'm just not sure I adore him in that way. For now I'm going to chalk this clarity up to my irritation that I can't eat anything and see how things progress. It is new after all, I guess. But honestly, we're more like best mates than anything else. But maybe that's a good start?

Yesterday was not a very good day food-wise. I had: 1 small Quizno's sub and cup of Broccoli Cheese soup, 3-4 handfuls of buttered popcorn (at movies w/ Salsa Player) 1 soft pretzel (split in halves, ate seperately) and lots of water and tea. So I felt that because I saved my snacks till the end of the day I could have at least 2-3 together. But maybe my meal was kind of big? Dunno, still ironing the kinks out.

The one positive is that I really do focus on eating healthier and better when I do eat and I think that's a very good unexpected benefit. I got really frustrated tonight (and today) because I saw Jackal on my way to work by accident (no panic attacks out there). This whole my living & him working in the same neighborhood is VERY inconvenient. I was crossing the street to the metro when he was in his car at the intersection across from mine. I literally ran across the street and down the stairs. Horrifying. But it made me a little sad because when I was at home for Christmas he was at home and, once again, we avoided each other. It stinks that things have to be this way but I know they have to be this way, for my own benefit. Even though from time to time I miss him. There really is no resolution to that, there's just getting over it. Perhaps if I stopped randomly seeing him it would be done already...I recognize that talking to him when he "needs to talk" hasn't helped...but I wonder if its actually possible to see someone like that and not be affected by it at all. I'm just not sure its true. In which case, my reaction was completely normal. ;-)

The other thing that really bothered me is that I spend the whole day listening to the girl that got the new job in our department doing the new job and literally felt a sinking feeling in my stomach (she sits on the other side of my cube wall). Again, not because I'm necessarily heartbroken over not getting it, but because I'm heartbroken about not being able to do/experience/learn something new. That feeling exhausts me, maybe more than it would anyone else because I do, literally, thrive off of challenge, deadlines, etc. Being stuck isn't just frustrating for me, it's also disheartening. The only thing that made me feel a bit better is that this is one of the reasons I'm even doing this fast. Because I have to learn to let go a little bit, be a little more patient, and have faith that things will work out. Yes, it sucks at times. But you push through. And if I can't do that, well, I'll just PUSH. Ya'll church folk know what I mean. ;-)

I spent the end of yesterday watching Sherlock Holmes with SP and reading a few passages on frustration before bed. Both were suitable remedies to my dour mood, and the latter gave me a bit more perspective, which is always needed in the world of Bex, as you've no doubt learned by now. :-) G'night.

Necessary Excess

2010-01-05T08:18:00.000-08:00

I absolutely HAD to have this dress. It is so lovely & delicate, the picture barely does it justice! While perusing Green Hills with the love Lena post-New Year's, pre-fast, I tried on this dove silk dress from BCBG's Runway Collection. Original price? $438. Marked down? 50%. And then 30%! Final Price: $154. So clearly I had to have it!!! It is so gorgeously lovely & soft and has all sorts of nice surprises like a great slit up the right thigh & detailing on the shoulder and waist. The detailing is just divine and it fit like a glove. I bought it. And now, alas, it is hanging in my closet, all dressed up w/ nowhere to go. Ah, the (un)necessary excess.

Day 2

2010-01-04T13:52:00.001-08:00

Yup, I'm hungry. But this is GOOD. I feel as if I've already learned SO MUCH from yesterday until today! First, every time I feel hungry it reminds me of why I'm doing this: because I want to be a kinder person, because I want to think about my actions and reactions, because I need clarity on some things life-related. So when I'm hungry, I think about some of those things, or I pray for one of my intentions. It really is a way to focus, amazingly. And the hunger isn't so bad. The idea is just to feel a wee bit hungry all day and so far its working.

Two really exciting things happened today:

1.) I helped a woman navigate the SmartTrip machine at the Metro. Maybe this isn't unusual for me, but my train was coming in 3 minutes and I chose to help her anyway! Normally I would've figured that she'd figure it out and run along, afraid to miss my train out of desperate fear that I'd have to (egads) wait. for. another. one. My patience is deplorable. Not so today! Yes, my train came and I booked for it, but not before she figured out how to, get this, check her balance. Stop that scoffing at me. ;-) Baby steps.

2.) When I realized that Bank of America charges $7 for a cashier's check (don't ask) I was LIVID. And then, three minutes later, it went away. Unreal. Normally I'd call someone and complain about it or fume for at least 20 min, if not more. Today? Gone.

Today I've had: 1 cup of tea, 1 cup of water, 1 basil cream pasta w/ steamed vegetables mixed in (small meal), 1 pretzel stick by accident (its amazing the number of things I shove in my mouth throughout the day without even thinking about it), and I plan to have some hummus & veggies later and perhaps a clementine. 1 meal, 2.5-3 snacks.

To be honest, I explained the whole thing to Ashley and he made fun of me, claiming that my "small meal" wasn't small at all because I ate a pack of veggies & a small dish. But honestly, there was no meat in the meal and the veggies were MAYBE 24 oz. total. That's small, right?!!!! Anyway, I was hungry shortly thereafter, so I feel like my goal's been achieved. And I'm a bit calmer, a bit more thoughtful, so a good day, all around.

Also, I didn't give my boss the side-eye like I wanted to today, which I think spells
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y. ;-)

Day 1

2010-01-04T13:39:00.001-08:00

I am not a happy camper right now. I am HUNGRY. And CRANKY. And a bit exhausted. I spent all morning writing out my intentions and even added in some things that I'd like to happen this year. A little wish list if you will. ;-) I started this because I'm just so frustrated hoping that things will change: that I'll like my job again or find a new one that I love, that I'll FINALLY get over being mad/hurt at Jackal or that I can let go of grudges...as an emotional person, none of this is easy. It's like, even though my head knows that all of these things are only holding me back, my heart still feels them.

So this is what I need to remember: the reason that I'm doing this and that I will end up better when its all over.

Looking at all that stuff to work on... it's a lot! But I'm up to it. Because, as I always say, it really makes me angry when people complain about things and do NOTHING about it. And now I'm doing something. I may not have control over everything (though I'd like to) but I can certainly do something about clearing out all the clutter & focusing on things that are important--the things that will actually make me happy.

So I'm hungry & cranky but okay with that.

Today I've had: one grapefruit & Eggo waffle, two handfuls of Cheez-It Party Mix (thanks, Bianca!), one can of Campbell's tomato bisque. Small cup of orange juice. Starbucks Chai tea latte (at airport). Water. Chips & salsa.

Egads, that's a lot. It looks almost like what I'd eat on a regular day...but I am HUNGRY. So maybe it'll take a couple days to get this down. That's okay. I'm not going to Type A on this one, but feel free to hold me accountable if you think I'm overdoing it and being toooooo lax on myself.

Some of the reasons I'll write what I eat are to: a) hold myself accountable b) make sure what I eat is nutritionally balanced. If I don't get enough in I could easily pass out, and that would accomplish nothing and be fun for no one. So clearly this will require some balance. I really do love food, so this won't be easy...but that's the point. Tomorrow will be better.

27 Days to a Brand New Me!

2010-01-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

Ref: http://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-media/product-gallery/0590438247/ref=cm_ciu_pdp_images_1?ie=UTF8&index=1

Did anyone read that book? I adored it growing up, and I've got to say, though I won't be reading any makeover books anytime soon, the spirit of a makeover is what I'm focused on right now. I rarely do New Year's Resolutions and this year is no different. But there's been something that I've wanted to commit to for a long time...and I'm thinking the time is now.

So! If you'll allow me to turn this blog on its head for about 27 days, I'd SO appreciate all of your feedback/attention/basic support. And here goes! We talk a lot about the quarter-life crisis...well, I'm almost 30 now and far past that; still, I feel like there are some things that I really want to change and some things that need change. While I'm a person of strong faith and pray daily, attend mass weekly, confess my sins when they're weighing on me, many of the things I've asked for simply haven't happened. I'm not blaming God, by any stretch of the imagination...I know that there are many things that I don't have control over...and for some of these things, I do blame myself. I guess that's why I've finally committed to fast, for 27 days, and pray. My ultimate goal? Nope, its not a fattened bank account or a brand new job, or a superfab boy...its just for clarity. Those things would be nice ;-) but while it seems like there are so many choices I could make: places to move, jobs to apply for, friends to stick by or let go, I just need a little more vision on where I am and should be going.

So for the next 25 days (on Day 2) until my 29th birthday, I'll be eating one light meal a day, 3-5 snacks (for nutrition, I really can't afford to starve myself as my Vitamin D is already at only half where it should be!), drinking lots of tea, water, and abstaining from soda & alcohol (egads!). I'll blog a bit about it, but most will probably be reserved for my journal. Just so you know, I don't see this as a punishment of any kind...its just a way for me (and my scattered brain) to gain a little focus. I'm excited! And nervous. But already, my outlook on this year is a little bit different, a little rosier. For that, I'm v. v. thankful.

If you'd like more detail on the things I hope to let go of, and the things I hope to gain, keep reading. Otherwise, do check back for daily updates, or if this isn't quite your speed, feel free to check back in February for the renewed (if lessened) musings on all things ridiculous/debaucherous. Love you all. XOXO

27 Fasting Days for 2010

Things I'd Like to Release

1.) Doubt (of myself, others, faith)
2.) Fear of things unknown
3.) Past Hurts (including my father becoming ill, etc.)
4.) Anger at Jackal & others who've hurt me
5.) Excess (spending, eating, etc.)
6.) Self-Centeredness/Envy
7.) Impatience

Things I'd Like to Gain

1.) Clarity (on my path, my purpose, essentially, just what is it am I doing here anyway?...a hard one for me since I have so many interests & goals & dreams...which is right?)
2.) Stronger Faith
3.) Knowledge
4.) An Open Heart
5.) Strength
6.) Discipline (this is SO hard for me! I am so LAZY sometimes!)
7.) Confidence/Humility

Holiday Recap

2010-01-04T12:00:00.001-08:00

Hello out there!!! It's been over 2 months since I've posted, I know. Hardly hard to believe, given my predisposition to procrastination and such, and I really am quite sorry, though I say that all the time. How to brief you on the comings and goings and nonsensically hectic holidays? Mmmm, let's see:

NOVEMBER

Host Singleton Thanksgiving at my very small apt. First Dinner Party! Oven does not see fit to work. Hens still good. Spill hen juice down front of Paris dress. Watch Cosby. Dance around apt to DJ Jubilee's Monkey on a Stick (aka Get it Ready).

Thanksgiving at family's in Columbia. Best. Weekend. Ever. Hung out with besties from college, had potentially murderous accidental run-in with ex at party (handled perfectly appropriately by flirting & dancing madly with new boy, ABS). He followed suit, flirting with new girl he was CLEARLY not interested in. Texted River who wrote back: "So even when its not about you, its about you?" Touche. ABS= Actor Broadway Show. Crazy mohawk, psedo-cute though sure show is actually off-off Broadway. Friend Princess says is not masculine enough. Booo. Meet Chili Prince at bar. Give # to Chili Prince's cousin. Give # to Chili Prince. Later have some explaining to do to Chili Prince. Almost cry when see favorite August Wilson actor in bar. Tell him so. He is drunk, hits on me. Drive ABS home. Make out in car. Spend 5 hours in hookah bar the next night. Smoke 2 hookahs. Show up to work sans voice on Monday.

Fight with boss. Almost cry. Finally get hours changed so I can come in later (Victory!).

DECEMBER

Holiday madness shopping. Buy $238 of presents from Target. Buy 574 DVDs for family. Realize this is excessive. Buy at-home haircutting kit for boss.

Return $150 of presents back to Target. Realize at-home haircutting kit purchased for boss at Target actually cheaper at TJ Maxx. Buy at-home haircutting kit at TJ Maxx. Storm over to Target & force them to give me the difference. Get more $$ from Target than should. Attempt to rectify by giving back excess. Am escorted out. Return at-home haircutting kit to TJ Maxx.

Lend Mariah Carey's Merry Christmas to aunt. She misplaces. Go back to Target to replace. Only Mariah Carey available is crazy holiday DVD. Do not want DVD. Cry.

Miss Jackal. Cry.

Buy new outfit for holiday Xmas Party. Notice Salsa Player featured in last year's birthday daydreams giving me The Eye. Attend after-holiday party at bar with Salsa Player. Share umbrella. Swoon. Goad Dwight (colleague who, for all intents and purposes could BE Dwight) into asking hostess out. She declines. He almost cries (In my defense, he's the one who walked in saying "This is an awesome sweater, I look great in this suit, no one will turn me down tonight." So really, he goaded me first). Share cab home with Salsa Player. Debate whether will let him up if asked. Decide no. He doesn't ask.

Blizzard in the City. Chili Prince asks to stay over. Decline. Chili Prince tells me to "go to sleep with hand down pants thinking of him." Fire Chili Prince. Attend Snow Party with LA Delegation on Firefly (sweet tea vodka) high. Pull MM out of full-on face plant in snow. Knock over bottle of wine after smacked by MM on arse while singing Britney's "My Only Wish This Year" at top of lungs. Stumble home. Celebrate Kitty's birthday at Georgia Brown's during brunch. Make Mischa's boyfriend do wheelies in snowbanks when driven home in XXL Jeep (really it could be a Hummer). Spend afternoon trumping around DC in snow with Salsa Player. Gawk at people as they almost crack skulls while sledding down iced over stairs at Meridian Hill Park. Goaded to join by Salsa Player. Refuse. Slide on flat sidewalk ice when called a chicken. Compare who goes farther. Clearly I win. But only if we're counting safety points and not actual distance because then Salsa Player would win. Trek to see crazy Christmas House on 16th & R. Wonder if will snog Salsa Player. Have dinner at Rosemary's Thyme with Salsa Player. Debate whether will let Salsa Player up. Decide no (per usual!). Agree to pick up bottle of wine and watch Love Actually with Salsa Player. At apt. Reverse previous decision. Make Salsa Player wait 30 min while frantically clean apt. Find him in lobby, happily reading whilst I was cleaning. Watch Love Actually. Do not snog.

Consider inflicting bodily harm upon Boss. Apply for new job. Taunt Boss with possibility of leaving his purview. Totally rock interview.

Drive home for Christmas. Receive call that did not get job, instead given to colleague who could not be more different than me if tried. Bawl. Call 423 friends. All busy. Call Kitty who responds "I don't know what to say." Pull over at Starbucks and cry into caramel macchiato, because a) didn't get job b) Starbucks out of favored caramel brulee latte c) have to listen to WASH-FM play horrible Christmas music (really, what the hell is "Christmas in the Capitol anyway?!) and Salsa Player says has "money" holiday mix he could have burned for me. Takes 9 hours to drive home.

Spend 12 hours at home for Christmas when Mum decides to uproot Christmas and go to bigger family Christmas in Atlanta. Spend 48 hours in Atlanta. Get measured for bra at Phipps Plaza. Discover that imagined bra size of 34 D actually imagined. Real size of 30 E (European) 32 D-DD shocking & appalling. Get angry in Tiffany & Co. for damaged ring received in stocking that they cannot replace because fingers too small & out of needed size. Would that these two were reversed. Go home. Spend 12 hours at home. Drive 5.5 hours back to DC. Time spent driving~22.5 hours.

Have plans with Salsa Player to see The Roots in concert. Make Salsa Player wait whilst frantically comb apt. for tickets. 20 mins later, Salsa Player calmly reading The Washington Post on couch as I madly throw cushions & upend various vases, bowls, and baskets, only to find tickets in dustbin. Blame Salsa Player for making me madly clean week before pre-Love Actually. He responds "But wasn't it worth it?" It was. Cab to concert. Walk to bar after. Run into Chili Prince. Watch dumbstruck as Salsa Player and Chili Prince play games in bar (Ninja, Bear, Hunter, say what?!). Cornered by Chili Prince when Salsa Player goes to restroom. Chili Prince wants to know why fired and vows to call more. Egads. Hold hands with Salsa Player during walk home. Finally make out with Salsa Player in front of building. Do not let up.

Fly to Nashville for NYE to see college roomie Bianca get engaged. See everyone. Go out every night. Almost cry when Bianca gets engaged. Run across room shortly after midnight when see phone lighting up because Salsa Player is due to call from Chicago (glad we both traveled to same time zone. Salsa Player cute & drunk. May or may not agree to be girlfriend. Unclear. (I mean, really. When drunken dater declares "I think we should be together" and you reply "When, now?" and they say "No, always" and you say "Mmmm, okay and then "Will you remember this conversation tomorrow?" and they say YES!!! what's a body to think?) Receive 30 texts from SP stating how much he misses me & wishes I were there during rest of Nashvillian stay. Unclear how feel about this. Receive 3 texts from Chili Prince, 1 an invitation to birthday fete at bar on Sunday. Unclear how feel about this. Buy incredible dress from BCBG's Runway line 50% then 30% off. Ecstatic about this (though quite depressed about state of bank account).

Fly home. Exhausted. 25 degrees outside. Take metro to save money and drag self home. Do not attend birthday fete. Instead text CP "Happy Birthday," watch Teen Mom, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and Secret Life of the American Teenager on couch. Turn on radiator in bedroom. Wake up to loud radiator hissing at 5 am and find melted everything (lipstick, lotion, candles, scorched Macy's receipt) on top of radiator. Frantically relocate all and burrito self back in bed. Sleep late.

RECAP OVER

Happy New Year to Me!!! Happy New Year to Youuuuuuuuuuu!!!

Heartbreak @ Panera Over Lunch

2009-11-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

Me: Kitty, why is that boy so cute?
Me: He is sooooooooooo cute.
Me: And soooooooooo gay.
Kitty: How do you know?
Me: Because I walked past him three times and, I'm not saying I'm like God's Gift or anything, but he didn't look at me once.
Kitty: Ha.

Mom's Gift Giving Guide

2009-11-20T09:22:00.000-08:00

Ah, the holidays! Would that they could last all year (or at least six months) I would surely be a much, *MUCH* happier girl! I will not even address my recent absence, except to say, as always, I'M SORRY and, really all, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas. ;-) Pictures soon.

So, because she's been fairly ghost on this blog, I give to you, the Christmas 2009 Gift Giving Guide, according to June Jones (my beloved mother). And yes, if you beg enough, I'll follow-up with the best all-time holiday quotes & antics, courtesy of June.

Junie Jones' Christmas 2009 Gift Giving Guide In Quotes (even though she's Jewish)

JJ: Bex honey, I lost the Tiffany catalog that you marked up last time you were here. Can you have them send me another?

JJ: Remember that wreath you gave me? I want that one again this year. You know, the Pebbles & Crow?
Bex: WHAT?
JJ: The one that's on the door!
Bex: Oh, you mean Smith & Hawken.
JJ: Yes. I want that one.
Bex: Mom, I gave that to you five years ago.
JJ: Well I enjoyed it. I want it again.
Bex: (will not even attempt to explain the way companies, you know, CHANGE THEIR PRODUCTS ON A BI-ANNUAL BASIS, AT LEAST)

JJ: OH! I want pajama pants.
JJ: Just the pants!
JJ: And I want them to be warm.
JJ: And remember that year you gave me the ones with all those dots? I don't want them. Don't give me any pajamas with all those dots this year.
Bex: What?
JJ: The dots! Remember? In the material!
Bex: I thought you liked waffle knit.
JJ: NO, no no. THE DOTS.
Bex: You mean polka dots?
JJ: Yes, those. Don't give me those this year.
Bex: Oh. Why?
JJ: Because I don't like sleeping in polka dots.
Bex: (silence)
JJ: Something about all those colors... (said in v. haunting & sinister tone in manner that one would say "and then he turned out to be an ax murderer").

Love you, Mum!

As requested on 12/3

JJ: If I only want one thing this Christmas, would you give it to me?
Bex: What is it?
JJ: I only want ONE THING.
Bex: What is it?
JJ: Why won't you just say you'll give it to me?
Bex: Because I think this is a trick. WHAT. IS. IT?
JJ: I want you to promise that this spring you'll take one class toward your PhD.
Bex: That was a mean trick. No.
JJ: Just ONE class!
Bex: No. This conversation is over.
JJ: You're mean.

14th & U

2009-10-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Overheard cell phone conversation on the 96 bus circa this week:

I'm on my way to CVS to get some Tylenol PM. I CAN'T SLEEP. I've been taking the Lunesta but it makes my throat dry so then I have to drink water before I go to bed and all night long I'm goin back and forth to the bathroom. Then I'm up again cause my throat is dry. Yeah I called my therapist and I'm supposed to go down there tomorrow so he can prescribe me something else. I JUST CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. I'm tired, man. I saw that commercial and tried that Ambien, it don't work. So I'm just going to try some of that Tylenol PM. See if that'll work. But you should know cause I'm gonna take bout 7. Just in case something happens.

Dear Sir,

Will I be an accessory to your murder if I don't report you? Also, perhaps you are one of those people who stupidly watches commercials and actually do what the faceless voice says and ask your doctor for a prescription. If so, you should probably also listen to the 5 million side effects. Because you're the one who'll actually get them. I'm just saying. Reason #237 that I am a snitch. I don't want anyone's blood (or drool) on my hands.

Best,
Bex

Tomfoolery

2009-10-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

In the past week, I have done the following things under the influence:

Saturday (all kinds of shizz)

Attempt to limbo holding glass of champagne. Fall and skin knee badly. Pop up and clap. It still hurts, by the way.
Make fun of people acting as backup dancers to wedding band. Act as backup dancer to wedding band as they play Proud Mary.
Give very married wedding band singer a giant kiss on the cheek after last dance, during which I dipped myself. Yes, I was dancing with him but I wanted to be dipped. So I sort of forced him to dip me while dipping myself. Obvi the band was awesome. http://www.partyonthemoon.com/
When singer "thanks " me for kiss, I say "I got caught up in the spirit!" and run away.
Promise to walk to McDonald's to get late night food for everyone. Instead, take "nap" in hotel lobby chair. Wake up 30 min later and try to sneak out to McDonald's. Get caught.

Monday (red wine)

Wake up at 3 a.m. completely parched (as often do after a night w/ my supergood friend Red M. Wine). Stumble into kitchen, grab Vitamin Water, put 1 ice cube in bottle. Take one sip. Stumble back to bed. Wake up Tuesday to find freezer open & ice cube tray in sink, w/ 25 melted ice cubes. Also, cold Vitamin Waters in fridge. Have no idea why I didn't just open the fridge.

Tuesday (martinis)

Try to catch late 96 bus home. When card reader rudely buzzes that my farecard is broke, I quickly realize I have no cash to pay and instead wink at driver. He waves me to sit down. With this stroke of good fortune, try to convince him that I know the route & he should let me drive home.

Wednesday (white wine)

Rudely tell Old Man that the reason I will not date him again is that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This is not nice, especially since he paid for dinner AND pre-dinner drinks (though I'd offered to halve). Also, by rudely I mean rudely & loudly. I am told to shush.

I know what this looks like. I'm not a lush! I just overplanned this week after I was already exhausted from driving 7.5 hours home on Sunday. Though I'll admit I'm pretty embarrassed by a lot of this, I get to confess all here and be forgiven. ;-) And aren't I allowed some fun? Thus, this weekend I will Lay Low. I crashed yesterday & slept forever, totally plan on doing the same tonight. However, Operation Lay Low will run into some difficulty.

Toddy is coming to town for his one man show! I get to be in the entourage & ride w/ him from Baltimore to DC for another show @ Town Sat. night! SO EXCITED. Hence, though I'll try to behave, I'm not making any promises. ;-)

Lunchtime Deliberations

2009-10-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

Cafe 6 circa 1:30 p.m.

me: I think maybe I'm a maneater.

Ashley: You know, I think I'm gonna have to agree with you.

Ha!

Last Story About Target, I Swear

2009-10-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last night while I was in line at Target I witnessed the most heartbreaking/endearing scene. I was on line to purchase my store-credit begotten items and saw a small group of young teenagers, probably 13-14, still in their school uniforms.

There were three of them, two girls and a gangly, uncoordinated type boy. He was walking next to one of the girls who, for some reason, had bleached her scraggly hair that was standing up all over her head and her shirt was untucked and , really, she was a bit of a baby hoodrat and he could've done better, but I digress.

I heard him turn to her, and ask her SO SWEETLY: "If I talk to you, without annoying you, then will you like me?"

She very meanly laughed and said "No."

Then he said, "Even as a friend?"

Awwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!! It SO broke my heart! Do you remember, circa middle school, when it was crucial for you to fit in and all you wanted was that one guy/girl? And you would do anything, ANYTHING, for them to pay you a bit of attention?

I totally felt for him in all of his awkwardness. I was SO like him. And so I thought about going up to him in a very smooth & cougar-y & asking him out in a non-statutory rape kind of way to make him look cool but then I remembered the Will & Grace episode where Grace takes Jack's son to the school dance and that was really kind of lame so that was the end of that.

My next thought was: Why the hell are you all at Target and not at home doing your homework? WHERE the hell are your parents?

Evidence of The Great Apartment Makeover 2009!

2009-10-06T09:19:00.001-07:00

My New Bedroom

My New Living Room

My New Mudroom (aka front entryway/mini-hall)

Things from Target I Kept

2009-10-06T09:14:00.001-07:00

So I didn't actually need these but I LOVE LOVE LOVE them! Esp at @$1.99 on sale! SO WORTH IT, no?

I am traveling with my Boss this week. This little friend is going to come with me. ;-)

In Which I Attempt to Redecorate

2009-10-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

The Great Apartment Makeover Phase 3: Wherein I, the Goddess of Cheap Extravagance, take all that shit back to Target that I don't need.

I mentioned in a previous post about Target and their devious ways to get me to spend obscene amounts of money. There is an ongoing power struggle and last night I decided to Fight Back. I took everything I didn't need back, plus some things that I probably do need but can't afford anyway. You will be proud of me because I also returned something that I've had for 2 years and never used. :-) Take that Target!

This is what I returned:

2 navy blue bath mats @ $18.40 (I already have some and although these are nicer, they are not going anywhere and the ones I already own do a sufficiently adequate job of drying/warming my feet. So what if the new ones are fluffier? I'm not a priss, I do not need fluffy. I may want it, but I do not need it)

1 turquoise & brown rug @ $24.99 ( I originally bought two and chose the white fluffy shag rug @ $29.99 instead)

1 5x7 frame @$5.99 (I really did not need but it was on sale for $5.99! I really needed an 8x10 in the same style but they did not have)

1 shelving unit @ $10.99 bought two years ago and never used (I will never use this. Take it back Target!)

Total savings: $72.41
Total store credit: $10.99

Now, these are the things that I bought from Target using my new store credit!

1 box wine @ $6.99 (needed for upcoming trip)
1 light switch cover @ $3.99 (for the "mudroom" I decided at the last minute to paint)
1 box of nails & wall hangy things @ $1.99 ( I needed more!)
1 8x10 picture frame @ 5.99 (this Target location had the one I needed!)

Total bill: $23.47 (including tax or something)
Total spent: $12.48

See?! I still saved $60 bucks! Take that Target!

And with that, loves, The Great Apartment Makeover of 2009 is COMPLETE.

And I'm so in love with my abode. Its just amazing to wake up to a such a cozy & lovely place, I'm calmer already. I. will. never. leave.

Also, I. will. now. accept. guests. :-)

Count this as your invitation!

Look to the next post for "after" photos. There are no before. It was too scary. ;-)

In Which I Attempt to Redecorate

2009-10-06T08:25:00.001-07:00

The Great Apartment Makeover Phase 2: Wherein I, Eternal Goddess of Impatience, Attempt to Hang Pictures

A few words of advice:

1.) Avoid unnecessary bruising, expletives, and collapsing of self onto floor by choosing to stand on a STEPSTOOL instead of chair with wheels. This is especially unwise if you have hardwood floors like mine.

2.) If you would like pictures to hang evenly, do not give in to sloth. Actually use tape measure in bottom kitchen drawer to (in the very least) measure space from ceiling to top of picture and match to other pictures in row. If feeling ambitious, also measure in between pictures for equal distance. Emphasis on ambitious.

3.) Do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to hold tape measure and hammer in one hand and nail and wall hangy thing in the other, especially while trying to balance on chair with wheels. Just put one down for heaven's sake. This is very dangerous and may result in bodily injury and expletives.

4.) Change clothes when you get home from work, BEFORE attempting to hang pictures. That hammer can very well get caught in your long double rope 20's style pearl necklace. You wouldn't think so, but it can happen.

5.) Do not get cocky because you have hung two pictures right using the doorframe as a guide. On other walls that do not have doorframes, you will have to use the tape measure. Really.

6.) Do NOT try to use nails & wall hangy things that can hold 50 lb. pictures for 5 lb. pictures. This will create obnoxiously ugly holes in the wall that will only be discovered when you realize that you failed to measure and the pictures are uneven and now you have to move them. Still, this one isn't as crucial since no one knows but you.

7.) It is very smart of you to try the lower height before the higher height because if you want to move the picture up it will cover the ugly hole, while if you want to move it down, people can see your mistake. The key here is to make people think that you never make mistakes.

8.) Watch your fingers!

9.) Don't even think about preserving that manicure. Kiss it goodbye.

10.) If you have given into the sloth and failed to measure the distance between two pictures and it is off, do not fret. It may be imperfect, but so are you! Embrace each and every lovely imperfection that life brings. :-) Plus, when all else fails, just look at them one by one!

In Which I Attempt to Redecorate

2009-10-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

Apartment Makeover Phase 1: In Which I, Ever the Forgiver, Convince an Ex to Paint my Apartment

I've had a love/hate relationship with my apartment for oh, about 3 years now. Um, yes, I've lived there for 3 years but its always, to me been the perfect mix of charm and horror. It is in the oldest building known to man but rent controlled; in a superfab neighborhood close to everything, but also host to unwanted critters in the trash room; no central air/dishwasher but utilities included; lovely clawfoot tub but crazy 85 year old landlord who holds your packages hostage. Seriously. I could go on. I won't.

I often referred to my apt as hot, tiny, and crowded on this blog and was all ready to pack up and abandon ship this summer when the management company sneak attacked me. Perhaps they'd heard of the dissonance with my digs. Perhaps the recession affected them. Perhaps they felt guilty for forcing me to live under such conditions (and by "such conditions" I mean not the Four Seasons). Either way, they raised my rent...$20. Thus, I will call the Hampshire Gardens home for yet another year. Most probably longer, since I have committed to (and completed!) the GREAT APT. MAKEOVER 2009!!!

This was quite the feat, especially because I had no plan whatsoever of doing any actual labor during the Great Apt. Makeover 2009. Thus, I had some planning to do.

Phase I

Tasks

1.) Guilt The Poet (my ex) into painting my apartment while I did, well, nothing. This was pretty easy because I'd specifically asked him not to publish 2 poems about me/our horrendous breakup and he specifically did. I spent several hours alternately wailing, flogging, and reciting his sins to make him feel sufficiently guilty to agree to doing all the work. Disclaimer: I made it abundantly clear that he was to paint two rooms of my apt, that I had no interest in contributing any assistance whatsoever, and that in return I would buy him dinner. He said this was fair. (Done!)

2.) I had to actually clean my hot, crowded, tiny apartment. There was dust EVERYWHERE. Note to self: dusters are not fancy feathered things that people swing around for the fun of it. They actually do stuff. GET ONE. I may have actually inhaled all of the leftover dust from the '67 Dustbowl. This effort took 8 hours. (Done!)

On to the Big Event: Saturday, October 3, 2009 1:00 p.m. (obviously I had to sleep in) By "sleep in" I mean that I left the actual cleaning until the last minute and woke up at 5 a.m. to get my shit together. I frantically and frenetically trashed, swept, wiped, and hung up clothes until 1 p.m. Operation Do No Labor: A resounding Failure.

Big Event!

The Poet arrives, toting all sorts of gear. He just bought a house and fixed it up so I knew he'd be prepared but this was well, ridiculous. "Professional" Rollers (aren't all rollers created equal?), tape, drill, extension cord, etc. and a change of clothes. Oh, right, I neglected to mention that I'd also harangued him into putting up my 37 in LCD tv (gift from mum, please remember I'm poor) hang curtains, pictures, and a coat rack. Anyway, he comes prepared and commences to work.

Even though I was supposed to do "nothing" I couldn't stop watching him. Between the standing on my couches instead of USING THE STEPSTOOL and him refusing to use my Point 'n Paint https://www.pointnpaint.com/ver15/index.asp (furnished by mum, we all know how much she loves As Seen on TV gadgets) I decided that I could stay & unappreciatively scream at him all afternoon, ergo drive myself crazy, or I could get theeself to a Target. I chose option b.

$326.87 later I regretted this decision. Not only had I gone WAY over budget (someone should have told my my fave Target added a grocery store! and I needed those new smoke tumblers! and lotion, handsoap, grapefruit, new bath mats, etc) but also because I returned to find The Poet on the couch watching football. This would be fine if he were finished. He would've been finished if he'd followed directions. One of the issues in our relationship was poor communication. This clearly bled over into his real life. My bedroom was now two different colors for no good reason.

After a good bit of more polite haranguing, he fixed it. At 11:00 p.m. We were finished. Walls painted, curtains up, mudroom painted (a late addition), coatrack hung...no pictures. Sad. Would finish later. Still confident that Apt. Makeover was on its way (and after a particularly nasty row over whether the curtain hooks I'd bought were "bronze" or "smoke" (the package said bronze but there was no copper in those bitches) we were blessedly, triumphantly, against all odds, done! And alive!

The Great Apt. Makeover Phase I: SUCCESS!

This American Life

2009-10-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

In which a day CANNOT go by where something ridiculous isn't done/said at work.

Background: Ashley (male) and I are very good friends. At work. Work friends. He has lots of not so fun nicknames for me like Lucy and he generally enjoys attempting to rile me any chance he gets during the day. As a 40-something mwk adult male, he thinks its appropriate to bring me color-printed dating advice columns. It is not. Still I love him in a confidante/borderline annoying brother kind of way. Perhaps over the borderline. Almost everything he does/says is over the borderline of any kind of work-appropriate behavior. However, life would be less, shall we say, interesting? without him. I will NEVER admit this to him and should it be repeated I will deny, deny, deny, then revoke the tattling reader's blog membership. Enjoy!

yesterday i was on my way to lunch and was on the phone when i ran into ashley & mh (also male), who were also on their phones. i needed to get a book from mh so i stopped for a minute while ashley (still on the phone) was like, where are you going? please read the following exchange

ashley: where are you going?

me: to farragut north

ashley: why?

me: i have to run an errand

ashley: what errand?

me: you don't need to know

mh: obviously she doesn't want to tell you

ashley: fine, we won't tell you where we're going either

mh: we're going to union station for lunch
ashley: i'm trying to get darren to come

me: alright, i'm going

ashley: well you can wait! we'll walk together

me: fine, but i have to go

(all of us walking)

ashley: darren is acting kinda funny

me: he's been in a bad mood since last week

mh: he really has

ashley: he just hung up on me!

me: told you

ashley: where are you going?

me: i said i'm running an errand, you don't want to know

ashley: yes i do

me: you don't have to know everything!

ashley: why won't you tell me?

me: fine ashley, i'm going to get a bikini wax. are you happy now?!!

ashley: oh. doesn't that hurt?

me: I am not continuing to have this conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ashley: cause I heard it hurts. i mean, i have to shave my chest

mh: this is far too much information for me to hear, i am very embarrassed

me: see?! see?!!!

ashley: well i do, i shave it cause i don't like a whole lotta hair

mh: doesn't that hurt, like, you know, when you're intimate with a woman

me: i think this conversation needs to end right. now.

Um, That Didn't Last

2009-10-05T14:24:00.001-07:00

I missed you too much! Also, I realized that life is life and I can analyze it to death but its not as much fun as living it. So that is what I'll do. Here's a funny from my River chat. Honestly, what WOULD I do without him?!!!

10:33 AM me: you will think this is really funny. i ran into my PA friend Bebe in the hallway and walked down to the journal area w/ her and ran into george who i enthusiastically hugged & then he grabbed my hand

10:34 AM River: lol, yes

me: we were walking & talking, him holding my hand, which he does rarely and i always think its weird then i turned to say something and he goes "oops, sorry, you just touched my stuff." i go, no i didn't george! he goes, yes you did

River: ew

me: i said "I think you touched it and you thought it was me" he goes, no, you did

10:35 AM WHY is he so sure I did?!!! v. awkward if anything it was clearly the back of my hand & i didn't even notice it!

River: jesus .... you guys need to beef up your human resources and legal depts!

me: i know!

River: that's just so unprofessional. even if you had, accidentally, he shouldnt mention it

me: well, exactly

me: along the same vein, i was just meeting with my boss and i told him about how i redecorated my apartment last weekend and he goes "are there any pictures of me up" okay, seriously?!

River: wow you should be writing all of this down :) or remind your attorney that i have it all in my chat logs on my gmail account :)

A Stich in Time

2009-09-29T07:43:00.001-07:00

Hello loves!

Okay, I admit it, I am perhaps the Worst. Blogger. Ever. I am supposed to be religiously updating on all things fun, funny, and horrendous. Instead, I've been sporadic at best! For this I apologize. I also apologize for the next statement: I will have to take a(nother) break from my psedo-blogging.

Do let me explain: Last week was a bit of a valley in the peaks and valleys we call life. ;-) I transitioned from the superjob back to my normal job, which has its ups and downs. Last week there seemed to be more downs. You know, when you feel like you're taking a step back its never fun. So while I'd anticipated this happening, it was a bit more snuffleupaugus than I'd expected (okay, fine, that's not a descriptor. YOU tell me a word that means tricky but okay, hard, but fine, unexpected and expected, a bit rewarding but not in the way that you'd at all anticipated and I'll sub that in. For now that word is snuffleupaugus).

I'll also say that it ended up being a lot more complicated that I expected because of things that occurred that I'd never expect. Some of you know what I mean. I will say this: last week I felt that I was at a bit of crossroads, and it might take a bit of think to decide which direction I should go. For once, this isn't the kind of crossroads I'm afraid of. I'm actually kind of excited about how things will/may unfold. That being said, I really, REALLY want to take some time to be quiet, do things I'd never normally do (P& K, thanks for making this one ok) and follow this new road wherever it may lead.

I've given up worrying about things I have no control over. I'm just going to be patient this time and figure out what's up ahead. This doesn't mean that I'm not being pro-active about job/life matters. I'm started to create lots of room for options, which is nice. Who knows, maybe this time next year I'll be back in Nashville, or maybe I'll actually move to New York?! Or maybe I'll be right here, in the city that I've come to love. (EEP!) For once I'm opening the roads ahead instead of letting fear or doubt close them. And I'm doing things a little differently. I'm going to try and learn how to forgive a bit more, stop expecting the world of myself and expecting the world of others. I am NOT (despite popular opinion) supergirl. ;-) I'm tired of trying to live up to that, knowing its something that I only expect of myself, and then, for no good reason, expect of everyone else too.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement in my mother's religion. I went home to be with her and ask forgiveness while asking for the grace to forgive; to learn to be strong and accept weakness in ourselves and others at the same time; to appreciate our achievements. I think I'll spend some time doing just that. I'll be back, I'm sure. And then, I'll be happy to overshare whatever's fallen into my lap. Till then, enjoy the autumn! It's my favorite season, I'm sure it will bring lots of pleasant surprises to all of you, myself included. ;-) Never fear, my little absentia will be but a stitch in time.

Still love & miss you all dearly!

XOXO
Bex

A Rose, By Any Other Name

2009-09-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

me: Oh AJ, I love you

George: Who is AJ?

me: My boyfriend. I love him very much even though we are in a fight right now.

George: Why are you in a fight and when did you get a boyfriend?

me: He keeps calling Taylor Swift a "baby." She is clearly NOT a baby. And this is SO not news. He is better than this.

George: Are you talking about that CNN anchor? I love him more.

me: yes! Obviously.

George: Obviously he is not your boyfriend because his name is TJ.

me: Oh.

me: Well I told you we were in a fight. When we're in a fight I get to call him what I want. :-/

That Twenties Thing--Addendum

2009-09-10T09:05:00.001-07:00

Add-on from this post: http://itsabexlife.blogspot.com/2009/04/that-twenties-thing.html

13.) When you see people from college on the street that you weren't friends with, you stop pretending that you were friends & that you're actually interested in what they're doing. Instead, you ignore them, avert your eyes, and (depending on the person in question) run. This is especially true if you no longer live in the city where you went to college.

variation a) when you run into someone you used to know in college and you were pseudo-
friends, you say hello, nicely play catch-up for 5 seconds, and leave before
pretending to make lunch/drinks/dinner plans that you will never keep.

And the Debate About Whether I am a) Crazy b) Wrong c) Standing up for Sisterkind Begins

2009-09-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

Kelly: i really think the same problem exists in dc as it does in nyc. there is rampant little man syndrome and too many attractive sluts...it creates this alternate dating universe that is unhealthy.

Bex: Amen to that!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
River: i think that like you need to let guys be guys

like, everything is great, you put yourself out there

then all of the sudden [which is supposed to be the exciting and fun part] when it's their turn to give back you get really nervous or whatever and try and control the response?

Bex: i don't know what you're talking about right now what do you mean control the response

it's like a tennis match you get the ball over the net and if the person on the other side of the net doesnt hit it back immediately or hit the ball exactly where you want it, then that upsets you ..... when it shouldnt :)

Bex : okay, now you're telling me that i'm wrong

River: yes

Bex: here's the thing the right person WILL hit the ball over he net where i want it and in a comparable amount of time

River: exactly so when it doesn't happen, just walk off the court until that dude decides to hit the ball back and walk onto another court and hit another ball

Bex: you're not making any sense i love you anyway

River: im making perfectly good sense :)

Bex: no you're not

River: fine then, im an idiot

15 minutes

Bex: i don't think you're an idiot i'm just saying you can't tell me that its okay to have expectations and then tell me that i shouldn't have expectations at all its one or the other

River: im not telling you not to have expectations when you hit the ball over, you have expectations ....

Bex: errrrr...okay?

Actual Text, circa yesterday

2009-09-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

Dear [redacted],

If you a) are mad that I wouldn't let you come up b) are mad that I wouldn't give it up c) have a girlfriend or d) all of the above, then I think you are an ass. Don't pretend to be nice when you are really a dick. Its unnecessary. You make it hard for actual good men and harder for good women who shouldn't waste their time and energy. Just be honest. You'd still get ass, you just wouldn't get it from us. We're ALL sick of your kind.

Best,
Bex

Re-Post Alert!

2009-08-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

Because this is really too good to not post here...an open letter, so to speak, to those of the opposite sex. New additions are in purple, of course. Plus, I can update easier if I keep it here. And feel free to add on! Collaboration is the fruit of creativity, I like to say. Or something.

Dear The Opposite Sex,

If you want me to fall in love with you, or to not hate you...better yet, if you have any mild interest in me respecting you, please refrain from saying the following things the FIRST TIME WE MEET:
1.) I've been engaged three times.
2.) you: what do you do?me: I work in media.you: huh.me: what?you: you work in media. i clean windows. you know, the guys that scale buildings? that's me. i clean windows. me: okay?you: you're everything. i'm nothing.
3.) I'd rather have kids first and get married later.
4.) You've had too much education. All that schoolin' made you lose your common sense.
5.) My ex-girlfriend was fertile.
6.) COME HERE. (I am NOT Rudy and you are NO Dr. Huxtable.)
7.) I dated Jacques Cousteau's granddaughter. We met on Missed Connections. Actually, I think she was illegitimate.
8.) I went on vacation with my ex because I don't have many friends.
9.) I'd rather text you than call you.
10.) I'll make you a mix CD for Christmas.I mean, REALLY.
11.) I managed multi-million dollar portfolios. I think I know how to freakin' listen, okay? (after I call you out for not paying attention to what I was saying).
12.) Can we go to another restaurant? Its really loud in here. (after we've already changed restaurants once. for the SAME reason.) If it takes us three tries to find a restaurant that isn't "too loud" for you, perhaps we should be eating at your place. And by we I mean you. Alone.
13.) Do you think I'd be a good father?
14.) Can we go to another restaurant? This wine list is too long. I feel like I'm doing work. (Okay. SEE NUMBER 12)

Thanks!--The Management

COMMENTS

Princess--
LOL I love it! if i wasn't getting in the bed I'd add to the list.

India--
Wow! Did that happen to you? I hate to say it but I love weird dates like that... their priceless. Especially if you realize early enough in the date that its not going anywhere, then you can just sit back and enjoy the crazy.
December 9, 2008 at 11:54pm · Delete

Wren--
Ok, I have GOT to add to this list. And yes this was on the first AND last date. And it was in Sept. 08. This is what he said after he inquired about why my ex and I didn't have children and I mentioned that we tried but were not able.3.) I can help you with your "problem". (Yes, for you doubters, he asked to be my baby-daddy).4.) I got married in February... but what's up with us? (Yes, same guy and yes, Feb. 08 and HELL yes I got up and walked out.)
December 10, 2008 at 12:30am · Delete

Tina--
I should have known to get out when on the first date when we go for a drink after dinner...1.) "I'll have a sour apple martini"I mean really...what kind of man is that?
December 10, 2008 at 1:12am · Delete

Lana--
"I love your thighs. I mean they are so....mmmmm." This is then followed by a growl/purr in my ear.Seriously.
December 10, 2008 at 9:08am · Delete

Mia--
One's I have heard this year:"I drive a prius" or "I am not supposed to date b/c the program Im in wont let me" or "I dont have a car.... but Im flying to Japan to buy this rad jacket!" or "I tested you b/c when you are in jail as many times as me, you have to test people" "Im getting a grill" (mind you, he was white and got mad at me for having dated a black guy!) "I want to have sex with you, but Im not ready to date" The list goes on....
December 10, 2008 at 12:02pm · Delete

And P.S.?

2009-08-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm officially fat. In a good way! Remember the 15 lbs I lost post-breakup Armageddon w/ Jackal & during thesis hell? Right. I've regained 12 of those in the last six weeks. Maybe its the constant snacking at work, the daily thieving from the host's pastry basket, the incessant carbs in the form of pasta, but somehow, I officially have a muffin top in my size 0 black Banana Republic pants. Boooo. Or Hurrah! Am no longer skeletal, which is good, which means River can stop calling me Skeletor. Except now he's accusing me of emotionally eating. Ever since he started seeing a therapist he's all existential ridiculousness & keeps trying to diagnose me. Anyway! Either way, you know how they say couples gain weight because they're happy & in love & don't care about their size anymore?

I like to think this is something akin to that. ;-)

A Golden Life

2009-08-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

First of all, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I DIDN'T POST AT ALL IN THE MONTH OF JULY!!!!! Yes, friends, I am a very bad blogger but please have mercy on me, I am also very new and my computer is ailing (read: I have no internet at home and have to re-install windows but have been too busy/lazy/cheap to have someone fix it/fix it myself/call damn Dell and make them tell me what to do). I'M SO SO SOOOOOOORRRRRYYY!

Trust me, I've missed you all far more than you can ever imagine & I especially miss writing! So much has happened, but rest assured I will not spare a single detail if I can help it! Those who know me know I like to talk. A lot. So we'll consider the next few posts a bit of a catch-up, if you will allow. And if you do graciously grant me this indulgence, I'll promise to never be that far away for that long again! Well. Here We Go.

I'll start with the reason for my absence...I will not start with boys because they stink. Literally and figuratively.

I have a new job!!!! Sort of. Kind of. Maybe. I took a temporary position at work as a producer for our morning show and it has completely turned my life upside down. And I'm in love with it. My job that is. My life and I? We're still dating...in and out of that honeymoon phase. You know.

Every day at work is a new adventure and I finally feel like I'm doing what I was MEANT to do. At least for now. I'm the kind of girl who's a perfectionist but gets bored easily. This is not a good combination because once I feel like I've reached my ceiling, I get bored. I try very hard to find ways to make my tasks more difficult, challenging, think of new ways to do things...but most of the time I wind up reading People online with a heavy dose of Pinkisthenewblog. So I decided to try something new and apply for this position, even though I felt very unprepared and unworthy and un-smart. The Master's degree helped rev my confidence a bit and I KNEW that without school, my interest in my current job would fade fast=recipe for disaster=me screaming at my boss and possbily throwing a koosh ball at someone or something. People have been known to throw things here on occasion. I'm not lying. A story for another day.

So I applied for this job and agonized for THREE WEEKS while finding out how many amazing other people were up for it. People from my same department doing my same job? Check. Person who used to do the exact position I applied for? Check. P.A. who's applied for the job three times prior? Check. Check. Check. Today Show booker? I shit you not, check (I found this out much later). Somehow the stars aligned and here I am! A producer! And now I'm at a loss for words to describe this whole experience, beginning to end...Except to say, quite simply, it's bliss.

Yes, I almost cried every day of the first week. Yes people pull rank on me ALL THE TIME. Yes, a lot of times I still feel un-smart, unworthy, uninformed and unprepared. I mean, I watch Bravo people. Come on. Produce a hard news program EVERY DAY? Read five newspapers EVERY MORNING? Get up at least 1 hour earlier? Egads. Somehow, I'm doing it all. And loving every second. Because that challenge literally makes me feel like I'm working a logic problem and every time I book a guest, I've found the solution. I feel like I have the privilege of helping to choose what people are educated about on a daily basis, and that makes me, makes my time & my energy & my tears & my frustration at all the attitudes & divas & politics, all that crap...its like hey, I can take that because its worthwhile. I'm helping people (to oversimplify) know more stuff. And now hopefully they'll be smarter and make better decisions and be more open-minded. A girl can hope anyway. And that's awesome. Because I'm doing something I never thought I'd do, never imagined I'd be capable of, and I'm loving it and doing it well. Quite simply: its bliss.

The sad thing is that I'll have to return to my old job soon...October to be exact. And I try to reconcile myself to that every day. You know what though? God has totally ordered my steps thus far, so I'll keep reconciling and have faith that where I'm supposed to go at the end of this, there I'll be. In the meantime, I'll just relish every moment I have so far. I'll hold on to every single one. What else can I do?

All that being said, you know how the karmic cosmic fates determine what goes well in life & what sucks, and how every time work is amazing you personal life is in the shitter? Humph. My apartment is still tiny, hot, crowded and messy, I'm dating a golden retriever (I think) (more tomorrow) this job WILL end and I'll return the job I used to be as in love with, wondering how long I'll feel stuck & bored & miserable until I can do something this fun again, and my savings are depleted from too much summer fun & travel & shopping. In short, its still a Bex life. And, well, I'm still enjoying the ride. :-)

Ginny's Romeo

2009-08-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

This is a guest blog from Ginny whose love life (if its possible) is just about as tragic, funny, and funnily tragic as mine. ;-) Enjoy!

(Oh, and his name is really Romeo. Because with antics like this and a name like that, I'm sure he's shamed into anonymity already.)

-----Original Message-----
From: Ginny
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 10:06 AM
To: Bex
Subject: For your blog...

This is a conversation I had over text message last night with a guy I went on a date with last week.

Guy: "Ginny, I was thinking: now, i know i am a scorpio [this is a reference to a previous conversation] and all that, but given that we are both single and are waiting for someone to sweep us off our feets, why dont we take control and give it a try... together, you and me? What do you think, brilliant or what? :) "

Me: "I don't know how to answer this. Where is this coming from?"

Guy: "lol, man ginny, you don't have to be that serious."

Guy in separate message: "That was a bad joke."

Me: "I am always serious. Don't you know that about me."

Guy: "lol yeah, almost scary. And i thought i was serious."

Alright, now that I have given you this golden nugget for the morning, please discuss. :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 10:08 AM
To: Ginny
Subject: RE: For your blog...

OMG, what is wrong with him?!!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Ginny
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 10:09 AM
To: Bex
Subject: RE: For your blog...

unreal. Right?!

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 10:10 AM
To: Ginny
Subject: RE: For your blog...

Did you like him?

-----Original Message-----
From: Ginny
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 10:11 AM
To: Bex
Subject: RE: For your blog...

I'm not crazy about him. He's a nice guy. He's too young, which is apparent from his text messages.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 10:14 AM
To: Ginny
Subject: RE: For your blog...

this sounds exactly like what happened on NYC Prep on Tuesday (don't judge me) where Sebastian really really likes Taylor but she's sort of lukewarm. So he asks her what's up with them (hoping she'll be like, we're together) and when she's neutral about it he pretends like its all a joke. He's like "I just wanted to know if things have changed." She says, "um, no, why have they changed with you?" and he's like "no. I was just checking." Ridiculous. I should NOT be comparing an adult with a high school reality show. Sad.

-----Original Message-----
From: Ginny
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 10:16 AM
To: Bex
Subject: RE: For your blog...

You have succinctly put my life into perspective. It all makes sense. I am now at peace. :)

Just Checking In..

2009-07-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

So MANY life updates & so little time...until I can sit down and write 20 blog posts, I thought I'd share this from Kitty:

-----Original Message-----
From: Kitty
Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 3:00 PM
To: Bex
Subject: FW: Marriage Humor

Were you on this list also?

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 3:01 PM
To: Kitty
Subject: RE: Marriage Humor

no, because in case you forgot, i am not married.

-----Original Message-----
From: Kitty
Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 3:00 PM
To: Bex
Subject: FW: Marriage Humor

well it wasn't funny for married people either

-----Original Message-----
From: [redacted]
Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 2:59 PM
Subject: FW: Marriage Humor

Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband :' Nothing.'
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' B
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

Road Food

2009-06-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

I've been traveling the last two weeks (Monday to monday to monday) from South Dakota to Minnesota to Wisconsin to Illinois to Tennessee (Go Dores!). Now, I love road trips, as long as I'm not the one bloody driving, but that's not the point. One would think, with the diet I had, that I actually have butter running through my veins right. now. All told, here's the breakdown:

2 visits to Culver's: two butter burgers w/ fries, 2 mango-strawberry smoothies
3 orders of fish 'n chips (in three different cities)
1 XL burger with 3 kinds of cheese & bacon, fries
2 stacks of onion rings
1 Cheddar's honey butter croissant
1 order of Cheddar's ribs 'n fried shrimp
5 loaded baked potatoes
1 prime rib sandwich
1/3 fried chicken + 3 chicken wings + curly fries
2 Southern Style chicken sandwich meals from McDonald's
copious amounts of beer

Ugh. Just looking at this makes me stomach hurt. Well. Actually it makes my mouth water but I can at least pretend to want to be healthy, right? Except that I just downed funnel cake, a hot dog, cracker jack, cookies 'n cream ice cream, sweet tea, and popcorn at the office ice cream social. Egads. I guess all I can really say is, let them eat cake! I savored every calorie. ;-)

It's Not Just Lunch

2009-06-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

With dates like these celibacy is not just a choice, its inevitable. Need a pick-me-up at the end of this rainy/sunny/rainy day? Scroll on friends, scroll on. This is a lesson to all: if you fell out of touch and never went on another date with someone, there's probably a reason for it. I won't be too harsh though, this one's definitely good for a laugh. A couple weeks ago I rehashed a lunch date with River via g-chat. Say hello to Frederick, who apparently didn't move out of his parent's house until the age of 35. I may exaggerate. I doubt it. Enjoy!

Background: When moved to DC almost 5 years ago (I can't believe its been that long!) I immediately fell into an intense relationship that ended about a year later. After that my boss promptly set me up with one of her husband's friends. We went on a couple dates but he was a bit older and a bit odd and somehow it just didn't work out. I was fine with that. Except, I'd recently been praying about moving on from Jackal and having an open heart and then I saw said person, Frederick, on the metro one morning and thought "Maybe this is a sign." Right. It's never a sign. EVER. Long story short I agreed to lunch. I should not have, save for the entertainment of my loyal friends and readers and friend-readers. Have fun!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Post g-chat w/ River:

1:59 PM

me: okay, so three tragic pieces of my lunch date today. are you ready for this? THIS is why I need a sit down. THIS is why I am taking a break from dating, despite the fact that summer is quite possibly the worst time to do this. unless its the best. we'll see.

me: so my lunch date. I'm convinced that he's knocking on 40

River: lol

me: first, today he told me that he lived with his parents in the early 90

River: what gives his age away?

me: 90s...that puts him living with mom at 30+. NOT OKAY. he's always been older and when we met a few years ago i think i remember him being 33-36-ish second: he asked me if I'd seen enchanted

River: LOL

me: our mutual friends got divorced and the son lives with his dad in CA while the mom lives in TX and i said "that's so sad that she's so far away" and he said "have you seen enchanted? you just reminded me of Giselle. do you remember her reaction to divorce?" excuse me, WHAT?!!!!

River: LOL LOL

me: also he said about one of his sisters "she has a boy and a girl, so I have a nephew and a niece, (pause, eyebrow raise) my only niece, which means they haven't been doing their jobs" WHAT?!!!!! WHY??!!!!

River: LOL

me: and the whole time there'd be these long pauses where he'd just stare at me. eventually I'd just yell "what?" it was just so weird

River: LOL

me: WEIRD

River: effing hilarious. where did you guys eat?

me: the groundhog has seen her seriously scary dating shadow and been scared back into her hole B. Smith's at Union Station

me: at one point during lunch, I kid you not, he had ketchup on his pinky finger. (he had the bistro burger which he chuckled about while ordering, I'm not sure why, and i had the soup & salad) again, no clue how or why. why his pinky? WHY? of all fingers?!!!

River: lol omg. sounds like you were on a date with michael from the office

me: it's sad because he's nice, just tragically awkward maybe

River: and very entertaining for me

me: i'm so glad. welcome to my hell. 5 minutes into the lunch he looked at me intensely and said "are you a romantic?" i wanted to wretch.

me: And I actually am!

River: LOL

me: that's how i know i need a break

me: i can't be mean to people just because they annoy me

me: Also, do you know he's lived here for 10 YEARS and never bought a house? his excuse: i never really thought I'd be here this long to which i burst out laughing and said "year 5 didn't give you a clue?" see? mean!

River: LOL now now. what does he do for a living?

me: you're going to laugh at me ... accountant. "senior analyst" to be exact. he gave me his card :-(

River: why would i laugh? he has a job! sounds like he needs to grow up, tho

me: you think? also, i have to ask you about this

River: ok. in all my infinite wisdom.

me: he called me placid! do you think I'm placid?!!!!

River: um!

me: i thought you would laugh because if you know me you know darn well i'd never work with an accountant I'm SO not placid

River: it's NO compliment to give someone a compliment that requires thought

me: i'm like 0-90 ALL THE TIME! LOL

River: he sounds creepy

me: AND he reminded me that the last time we went out, FOUR YEARS AGO I was 30 min late and did not have a good excuse

River: id imagine he has a lot of memberships to porn sites

me: first of all that's mean and secondly I'm SURE it was a good excuse. i DO NOT manage time well but i've gotten a lot better, and there's always legitimately a good excuse .

River: no way

me: like i've overbooked or something. stop it.

River: poor guy

me: STOP
me: he's the idiot that asked me out again! so don't complain!

River: i know, poor guy

me: ugh, in another pointless fight with Kitty about a document that may or may not exist.
me: this is a daily occurrence

River: lol

me: we argue about the most ridiculous things and usually neither one of us is right
me: one last thing about frederick, the good thing is that he left the ball in my court to reach out to him

River: thank god

me: he was like, well, i hope to hear from you soon!

River: ok tink tink

2:59 p.m.

me: Jesus i spoke too soon. rec'vd just now:

Rebecca,
It was nice to see you and catch up a little. Congratulations on your degree! I hope you feel a great sense of accomplishment and pride. I think you tricked me into talking most of the time, because I didn't get to hear as much about you as I would have liked.
Anyway, I now know better than to invite you to a pity party in my honor, I still say my parents were mean! Sorry your food wasn't better, my burger was actually not bad. If we do lunch again, I'm pretty sure you'll be happier with the food.
Congratulations again! Make sure you celebrate in style.
Frederick

The Chowder - Gumbo Fiasco is an anthology of dating fiction written by Bex Jones. It is scheduled to be released by Harper Collins in the Fall of 2009.

me: 1) i mentioned that i'm a writer

River: jesus, the dude is still talking about his parents?

me: 2) i said my chowder was more like gumbo. LOL YES!!! you see?!!!!!

River: yeah, somethings wrong with that dude.............
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You think?

And with that, mon amis, I resign.

To Be Flattered...Or Not To Be

2009-06-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

I think not.

Would you want to date this guy? The following exchange occurred between Chloe and a guy at work that I've had a (bit of) a flirtation with. Apparently he sauntered up to her (she actually mimicked the saunter) and the following exchange occurred:

Boy: So, what's up with Bex?

Chloe: What do you mean?

Boy: Like, is she single?

Chloe: Are YOU single?

Boy: Who's asking?

Chloe: I guess me!

Boy: Oh, then no. I guess I'm not.

Seriously?!!!!!

Underneath it All

2009-06-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Apparently not doing laundry for a two-week trip means that you run out of underwear before said two weeks is up. This =shopping the Charlotte Ruse semi-annual lingerie sale=purchasing 10 pairs of underwear for $20 (+). This also means that not one stitch of aforementioned underwear is without hot pink lace, zebra print, polka dots, or the word "hottie." It also means that they are all thongs or boy shorts because apparently tweens/collegiates/whoever the hell shops at Charlotte Ruse have never heard of a good pair of cotton briefs/bikinis/hipsters. Seriously, my underwear wardrobe has now halved in age. I am officially a 14 year old. Or a stripper. Or both. Egads. At least I'll be following my grandmama Lena's advice, which was always "Keep your drawers on."

Love & Other Emotional Catastrophes: Kiss & Tell

2009-06-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding this forever, I know, for many reasons. A few Mondays ago my morning was very, very quiet. There was no morning chat with River and I was SO nervous about ever talking to him again that I practically gnawed through my inner cheek. Our chapter has ended. :-( A bit abruptly, if you ask me, and without my having a say, of COURSE. And the funny thing is that it wasn't ended by either one of us...weird? Here's the story. Apparently I was completely wrong on one tiny, insignificant detail. A detail upon which our picket-fenced future is hinged. Ack. Read on for all the info in its funny twist-of-fate glory.

In a scene from the play of "Oh, hell, isn't the world small," River's college roommate is a pseudo-friend of mine from years ago, when I first moved to DC. Let's call him Jeep. So we met about 1 year after I moved here and while I'll readily admit I had a crush on his Opie-esque-ness, nothing ever really happened. We got lost on the Metro together. I was (sort-of) his boss. He reported to me for a grant he was managing. We watched the drag race together (trannies, not cars). We got a beer. He moved away. No biggie. Well. This winter he moved back and low & behold, there he is on facebook all gangly and cute and friending me and whatnot. Then, through the "friends you have in common" function I realized that he and River knew each other. Ages-old crush meet life partner. There was no contest, indeed.

So when Jeep invited me to grab drinks, I excitedly agreed thinking that 1) he could help me solve the River mystery: why in the HELL won't he call me?!!! is he shy? WHAT is up with him?! Dating someone?!!! AAARGH. 2) he could put in a good word for me and i could get gory stories about River from college (they were roommates for two years), equal tradeoff, no? and 3) It would be nice to catch up with an old friend. At this point, I'm 0 for 3.

Jeep rode his bike to the bar where we were to meet. Yes, he rode his bike. Clue #1 that we are an odd couple indeed. I hoofed it in heels for three blocks and showed up 10 min. late. Of course! I order a Hef and toast to the ushering in of summer, it being hot & all. We catch up a bit. You know, it takes awhile to replay 2 lost years. And then we talked about River. I begged for stories. I got 'em. Here's River as a player, dating tons of girls & taking them back to their room. (uh oh). Here's River as an athlete, all swimming goodness & me picturing his abs in a speedo. (nice). Here's River & Jeep having a squabble in year 3 over the same girl. Jeep wants to date River's ex and River's not happy about it. Almost ended their friendship, but they survived. Boo to Jeep for betraying River. See, he's sensitive after all. I still love him. We chat some more about the complications we humans call relationships, delightful complications that they are, and Jeep asks about my friendship with River. I casually metnion that we talk every day & somehow we end up discussing Obama and politics and my crazy job and this is NOT at all where I want the conversation to be going! So I try to steer it back to my main objective: Operation Get More Info.

And that's when it happens. After my first beer and before his third, at the third table of the middle row in Saloon, to the left of the couple with cheese fries and to the right of the one having an argument, before our food arrives and after he returns from the restroom for the second time, my romantic world stopped turning. Honestly, I think my heart actually skipped three beats!

Me: So I want to hear more stories about River!

Jeep: Hmmm, you want to hear more? Let's see. I'm trying not to give too much away. (grins) (scratches chin a bit) l o n g silence. (infuriates me)

Me: Oh come on. We're all friends! Tell, tell!

Jeep: (raises left eyebrow) Well you know River's gay, right?

Me: Oh fuck.

Right, I didn't really say that. I played it very natural and very cool.
Let's revisit:

Jeep: (raises left eyebrow) Well you know River's gay, right?

Me: Huh. Really. Well... I kind of figured it out.

Jeep: So I guess that whole time we lived together he was dealing with something so big that I couldn't ever imagine. And he's like a brother to me now, but I think back, and, you know, its just crazy. We had some good times. Crazy good. We still do but I haven't seen him in forever. So you have to convince him to move here, cause then we'd all have crazy times together!

Me: (heart falling into stomach) Uh huh. Right. Crazy. Good. (feeling a tad seasick) Let's get out of here.

And there you have it. I severely miscalculated everything. As a matter of fact, it became even more crystal clear that I have NO dating-judgment whatsoever. I really, REALLY am impaired. When it comes to dating, if 20/20 is perfect love vision, I'm legally blind! This condition may even be irreversible! They don't make glasses for it either! (which is a very scary thought)

After I offered to walk Jeep to his bike and he insisted on walking me to my doorstep, before I turned the key to let myself in, he kissed me. A long, really sweet, if excrucatingly odd given the circumstances, kiss. I was shocked, but I kissed him back. And then...

For a second I was lost. Because two hours before I was totally head over heels (albeit unrequitedly) for his college roommate! And two years before he left for New York! And wait, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!! IS JEEP KISSING ME? SO HE LIKES ME? HAS HE ALWAYS? WAIT, WHAT?!!!!

I said goodbye and went upstairs and decided, for once and for all, that I have GOT to have a sit down. I need to take a break and recalibrate. No dating for this summer. At least until I feel like the world has readjusted itself again and I can safely navigate the sidewalk without a seeing-eye dog. And I don't feel like that now. I'm upset that River's gay & I didn't figure it out, I'm MORE upset that he didn't tell me and simultaneously my pity for myself has become my protection of him. I'm mad at Jeep for outing River and feel so loyal to him for being such a good friend, for making me laugh and being there (via gchat) every time I need to vent about anything and maybe, just maybe, being ridiculously worried about us too. Except instead of worrying over whether we'd ever be together, he worried over whether my feelings for him would change.

He was right. They have. Our chapter has ended but a new, even better one has begun. Over the past few weeks we've continued chatting every day and being each other's buddy & I SO needed that. He is the voice of reason when I'm crazy and he still cracks me up and somehow, someway, I've gotten lucky enough to call River my friend. One day we'll laugh about how insane I am & how I ignored all the signs because he's just dreamy, but for now, we're going about the business of being good friends. And that's way more than I ever expected, or could even ask for, and so SO much better. :-)

That night Jeep texted that it was good to see me. I had no idea I'd get what I previously wished for (see Kiss the Girl) but in such a warped, Twilight Zone kind of way, but there it is. Do I even have to say it? It really is a Bex life. ;-)

Gradumation!!

2009-06-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

I did it! I did it I did it I did it! Like Leo the Late Bloomer http://www.amazon.com/Leo-Late-Bloomer-Robert-Kraus/dp/006443348X, I made it! I graduated after three of the longest, most grueling years of my life!!! Okay, so maybe its just been the last six months that were that bad. But still. Those who know me know what a monster I was, at times, and how I almost wanted to give up. SO many times. At the eleventh hour I sent a text to my besties saying "Want to die. No more thesis. NO MORE. Can I quit now? Please?"

Yes, it was a cry for help. And thanks to the many of you who answered! This little photo is for you! No, not the shoes, those are mine. The picture of the program. Yes, that. Isn't that a pleasant little gift for you all to share?

The pretty little things above the program may look sweet and innocent but they're a nightmare to wear. Do I love them any less? No. But like any good heartbreaker, they sneakily wear comfortably for a good bit of time, then you take them off and BAM, two Montana-sized blisters on your big toes. Sneak attack heartbreak that is...you love them till you can't love them anymore. :-) They are so good to you...until they're not!

Again, do I love them any less? Of course not! Like any good masochist I will pretend it never happened and put them right back on. Hey, I bought these saucy little minxes in February at a cute little shop in Columbia, SC and have been waiting FOREVER to wear them. Yay spring! Graduation day was the perfect time to break them out and despite the small bit of foolery they played, I would not have chosen anything else to wear while crossing over to the next part of my life. It was a wonderful day, indeed.

Attraversiamo! (look it up loves, here's two hints: it's Italian & its from one of my favorite books, Eat, Pray Love. see: last page)

Off to kayak in Madison, WI! Ciao!

Back with a Bang

2009-06-04T13:20:00.001-07:00

So this is what greeted me in the hallway when I came home from a long day at work last Friday, courtesy of my oh-so-thoughtful neighbors. WHY WHY WHY. Yes friends, this was in the hallway, right across from my door. They stayed there for like, 5 days. In case you can't read the side of the box, or would just like to humor me in extrapolating a bit further...1000 pieces. Three boxes. WHO NEEDS 3000 condoms?! And why?! They don't expire till 2013. Maybe they're expecting a shortage sometime soon? Perhaps they know something I don't...hmmm.

I can't even imagine what they're doing in there. Actually, er, I can. And herein lies the problem. What exactly have they been doing that the boxes couldn't have been taken to the trash room in a timely manner? Oh, I think we know. Everyone 12 and over knows for pete's sake. (Isn't that when we have sex-ed?) How am I ever supposed to look them in the eye without blushing anymore? HOW?! And when you leave them out for five days, its like announcing to the floor, "GUESS WHAT WE'RE DOING FOLKS!! ALL THE TIME! HIDEY-HO NEIGHBORS!!! EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT, WE ARE!!! AND WHEN YOU ARE, WE PROBABLY ARE TOO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! "

Well. The joke is on them. I'd rather sit at home alone and watch Pride & Prejudice on a Friday night anyway. So there. Wouldn't we all? Right, I thought not. [big sigh] :-) Congratulations everyone. In case you were ignorant before, now you know what 3000 condoms and a "Durex Party Pack" looks like. Oy.

Shock of Life

2009-05-26T07:36:00.001-07:00

Good Morning loves,

I regret that I'm going to have to take a break from blogging for a moment. I know its been quite some time since I wrote a signficant post, but I'm sure you know that its not for lack of stories! There are plenty of tales to tell in the next few weeks.

For now though, I must say that my graduation last week was quite bittersweet, as it was followed by the death of my Aunt Marcia. She was not sick, but fell ill quite suddenly, and it is with great sadness and fear that we all confront the fragility of life and all of those millions of seconds that we take for granted.

Believe me, I've spent quite a bit of time in the last few days with my mother, my surrogate grandmother, and close family and, though not without some trying moments, I have been more thankful for each moment that I can remember for quite some time.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in life, in all its trappings, joys & tragedies, that we forget all of the beautiful things the world holds for us every day. In the midst of it all, we must remember to laugh though, so this short respite will be just that, short. Aunt Marcia would tell me to look up, be strong and keep going, and so we all will. In the meantime, as hard and rough as grief is, it honestly feels good to grieve with the ones I love. It's odd but I returned to work today for a few hours and this is the hardest its been for me, attempting to function without all the support that moms, cousins, aunts, and uncles provide each other.

I'm sure this has been said many times before, but I ask you to give someone you love a hug today and tell them what they mean to you. As many times as its been said, the gesture is never lost.

Love,
Bex

Love & Other Emotional Catastrophes

2009-05-19T14:37:00.001-07:00

River to me, today on why its so important that I let go of Jackal:

"Would you buy a painting because it's beautiful and it makes you feel good? Or would you buy a painting because the canvass would be nice if you removed the paint?"

...a good point actually.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far...

2009-05-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Happy Mother's Day out there to all those brave souls who birthed cute wriggly soon-to-be grown-up ungrateful children from their wombs. This ungrateful princess loves her mother to pieces. It's true, I love my mother's insanity, even when its driving me insane. Without her, I wouldn't be me, literally AND figuratively. Here's a bit from last week to highlight, once again, the utter uniqueness of my life:

Mom: We're so proud of you. [for finishing the dreaded, evil thesis & graduating THREE YEARS after beginning grad school, which is twice as long as it was supposed to take me. Blasted presidential campaign.]

Me: Thanks, Mommy. I feel like I've been run over by a train and my brain has been put through a paper shredder but (sigh) I'll survive.

Mom: Good! So for graduation we're going to wear banners.

Me: (cough) Excuse me, what?

Mom: Banners! We're going to wear them!

Me: What do you mean we're going to wear banners? (because really, how do you actually wear a banner? this is a mom-trick, substituting a word for a less appropriate, inaccurate word)

Mom: You know, the kind you wear across your body? They're going to say "Bex Jones, Master's Thesis in Government from JHU."

Me: Oh, you mean sashes. WAIT. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WEAR SASHES TO MY GRADUATION.

Mom: Of course we are darling!

Me: NO OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!

Mom: But they're so pretty! A girlfriend of mine is going to make them. It'll be great!

Me: (voice rising semi-hysterically) IT WILL NOT BE GREAT IT WILL BE HORRIBLE. YOU WILL NOT WEAR SPARKLY SASHES TO MY GRADUATION FROM GRADUATE SCHOOL. THIS IS GRADUATE SCHOOL, NOT KINDERGARTEN! (did I mention they were sparkly? yeah, I wasn't cool in kindergarten either)

Mom: How about I just have them made and you can decide when you actually see them.

Me: (gritted teeth) Fine.

Mom: Love you! Byeeeeee!
(hang up)

...five minutes later

Me: Mom?

Mom: Yes darling?

Me: YOU WILL NOT WEAR SASHES TO MY GRADUATION.

Seriously loves, with these kind of genes, can you actually ever blame me for being me? If I'm half as lovable as dear mummy, I'm sure you can put up with it. :-) Happy Mother's Day too to the kids that understand.

River Update

2009-05-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

because I know you're all on pins and needles. ;-P

is not gay (+)

mentioned that he'd never take a girl to Dave & Buster's on a first date (+)

did not take the bait and invite me to fly in and visit him when i told him that i had a free ticket on Southwest per Faith's suggestion (-)

did not respond when i said i liked him (-)

as in:

me: send funny link
him: funnily quoting from link
me: this is why i like you! you totally get it.
him: (does not respond)
me: (rushing to fill in potential awkwardness) did you see that article on the professor that killed his wife and two friends? what is WITH people these days?!!!

said that he thought i was a natural when he saw my interviews on tv (+)

still did not ask for my phone number or offer to call me this weekend (-)

said he would "talk to me soon!" at sign-off (/)

darlings, its still a draw. what. the. frig.

here's hoping your weekend is full of sugarplums and not musty old library books like mine. master's thesis revision: the most wonderful time of the year. or not. :-(

Another Reason That I Don't Use Restrooms in Public

2009-05-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

1.) I was once in the office bathroom putting on makeup. I try not to do anything else in the office bathroom because too often there are remnants in the stalls and that freaks me out. I can't even eat for at least three hours after such a scary encounter. So this day I'm putting on makeup and the VP of my company comes in and starts chatting with me. Which is fine! Until she goes into the stall. What is the protocol here?! Am I to keep talking?! Stop?!!! I don't know! Horrors!

So of course, not wanting to offend her, I keep talking. And then she's like, really in the stall. Well, mid-pee I've finished washing and drying my hands. I can't just walk out without saying goodbye, can I? No, clearly I cannot. This is someone I want to impress, not offend. But what if, in trying to impress I offend?! What is the right thing to do here????? I err on the side of politeness. I say a cheery "Have a good night" on the way out. She, mid-pee, says "You too, Bex."

Um, I don't know who was more uncomfortable. And that is the problem. Holy Pinnacle of Awkwardness.

2.) The one time I NEED to use the restroom at work because my bladder is going apeshit due to 6 jubmo cups of tea, I go to the 5th floor, a floor on which I do not work, because of the aforementioned remnants that plague the 6th floor.

Well. Because I am the eternal germaphobe, I have a whole process to go through before I use the restroom in public. It silences the voices. First I check each stall for remnants. Of anything. Absolutely nothing can be present. You know what I mean. Then I check for seat drippage. This is gross and avoidable. If a person acutally dribbles on the seat and does not either a) notice or b) care to clean it, this means they are disgusting and unhygenic in general and there's no telling what else they are capable of. I do NOT want to share a stall with this person. Also, the floor must not be littered with tissue, etc. And the whole bathroom can't smell. That will literally make my pee recede.

When I find a suitable stall I go in and lock the door. I check the lock. Twice. I peer out through the cracks in the sides to make sure no one can peer in at me from any angle. Then, I line the seat with two long doubled pieces of toilet paper, one short. I don't use the seat liners because a) they're too thin, I like to not be able to feel the seat b) I just don't get them and c) they kind of freak me out. Then I can drop, sit, and pee. This is v. complicated when I really have to go, and if I'm using a public restroom, I really have to go, so on this date, the process may have been a bit rushed. This does not excuse the following event.

Yesterday I go through my process and am finally, peacefully seated and mid-pee when a maintenance lady comes into the bathroom, wrenches my door open, and stares at me full-on, seated and mid-pee. I scream "WHAT THE FUCK" and am justifiably mortified. She chuckles, says sorry and closes the door back. Evil hag.

Great, now I have to exclude all end stalls from consideration for the forseeable future. And this sucks because those are the ones that are usually handicapped, bigger, and with smaller cracks. Yes, darlings, another reason that I don't use restrooms in public. Oh, the shame. I shudder just thinking of it.

Viva L.A. Vida

2009-05-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

Hello there! So last week Chloe and I had a fantastic time in L.A. for work. This job is equal parts fun and horrifying at times, but in the end we have to admit we have it pretty good. Traveling to LA with one of your closest friends to "work" is one of those moments. While there, I was able to hang out with one of the more colorful characters in my life, Hot Toddy. Toddy & i judged a pageant together last summer & we've been buddies ever since. He is HYSTERICAL. He had a one-man show called "Celebutante: Don't you know who I think I am?" that would make you pee your pants. Toddy got the name Toddy Too Hotty from the pageant girls we judged because they were, well, in love with him. Who wouldn't be?

So we had dinner & he made me laugh over L.A. & dating shenanigans, per usual. I swear we make the same mistakes in love: falling too hard, too fast; trusting the untrustables. We get each other's crazy. And that's so nice. If your friends are good friends, they'll get your crazy. They won't judge. And if they're your best friends, they probably have a bit of that crazy too.
Anyway, after he instructed me to do the things I didn't want to do but knew I should (drop Jackal's remaining posessions on his front stoop and refuse to see him), he understood when I told him how hard that would be. And then I had a drink (he doesn't) and tagged along with him to a cabaret that his friend was performing at Mark's Restaurant in L.A.

Darlings, I shit you not, it was amazing. For the rest of this post I will refer to you as darlings because that's how the star, Ms. Nathan Lee Graham, referred to us and I loved it. My favorite quotes:

"One is used to having a crew darlings but during a recession one must make do."

"Another one of those scene changes darlings ."

I can't convey it in words, he was just fabulous in every way. And THEN, I met someone that I've loved so long. Who remembers My So-Called Life? The angst-filled teen drama with the incredible Ricky Vazquez, known in real life as Wilson Cruz. Yes, I love him. Yes, he was there. Yes, I died. Well, almost. He let me practically drool all over him and hug him and tell him I loved him and then I smooshed his face and then he smooshed mine and it was just. Lovely. Did I mention I love him? I just couldn't believe he was actually there! And in RENT? Wasn't he just amazing? Is all that & more in person. Wish Toddy would date & marry him so I could be a groomsmaid. That would be oh-so-fab. There are pictures but that rascal Toddy hasn't sent them to me yet, which reminds me, I should harass him about that. I mean really!

So here's the cou de gras of the whole night. This, ladies, gentleman, darlings, is my life in a nutshell. There I am with Hot Toddy & all the lovely gays having a gay old time, loving life, drinking in dear Wilson Cruz & a champagne cocktail, minding my business not bothering anybody. Toddy starts chatting with this guy who's leaning against the bar & the guy's kind of cute. He's about 5'8", chocolate, bald, total sex-symbol potential. And really chill. So I join the conversation because Toddy's the only one I know, who else will I talk to?! and Toddy introduces me, his name is Faux. Toddy tells the story of how we met and Faux says "Well, that sounds like an incredible time. It sounds like an amazing event & she's beautiful so it was probably incredible." And I'm like, hmmm! Okay! Maybe he likes me? Maybe he's the only straight one here? I could see that.

So we chat some more and I'm thinking wow, this guy is really cute. Like, getting cuter by the second. Perhaps this night has gone from 100% percent chance of fun with 0% chance of making out to 100% fun with 50% chance of making out. I like those odds!

Then, of course, I get distracted. So I'm out of the conversation and the three of us are leaning against the bar. Toddy is next to me with Faux on his other side. A Bex-Toddy-Faux sandwich. Then Toddy turns to me, in total undertone, and says "You know I slept with him, right?" Shock & Awe.

Me: What?!

Toddy: I slept with him. And it was so good, I almost didn't go back .

Me to self: (oh, like that good. As in, once you go black you never go back.)

Me to Toddy: Toddy!

Toddy: I knew you'd hate that which is why I said it.

Toddy: But he likes you.

(% chance of making out plummets to zero)

Me: But what happened with you?

Toddy: Well, he uh, he likes to play straight.

Me: (drily) Well that's obvious.

And that, darlings, is how I learned that in a room full of gays, appreciate each and everyone for who/what he is. Gay. Know thy territory. And Toddy Too Hotty didn't get his name for nothin'.

Thank you, and goodnight. :-)

Proscui-don't

2009-04-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm considering changing my Facebook status to "In A Relationship." Not because I actually am, because I'm not (and NO, River STILL hasn't asked for my phone number), at least, not with an actual person. I am effectively in a relationship with Au Bon Pain. We break up, we make up, it listens to my concerns and addresses them, often with gifts and good food. The way to my heart is definitely through my stomach, preferably with a little goat cheese on the side.

So, during the previous ABP debacle I came up with a lovely sandwich that included proscuitto, goat cheese, portobello mushrooms, field greens, and artichoke aioli spread. I looked forward to my sandwich (pronounced sang-wich by my Long Island raised mother) throughout the agony of de-read all the way home. I'd even sprung for a lemonade-peach tea mix. Imagine my surprise and immediate depression upon finding the paper still wrapped around the proscuitto.

Please understand, dear reader, that I am a germophobe of the most vigilant kind. I carry hand sanitizer. I do not use the restroom in public (my bladder is very well trained). If forced into one, I do not touch the handles of public restrooms or sinks. I wipe every hotel room remote control with hand sanitizer before I use it...you get the picture. I HATE hand germs.

Hand germs are one of the culprits of the spread of swine flu for pete's sake! My fears are justified! What does this have to do with paper-wrapped proscuitto you ask? Well, seemingly nothing I guess. But still, its just gross. Germy by association.

So I got mad at ABP and broke up with them. I decided to call & let ABP know our relationship was over, but it wasn't having it! The manager said I could bring my sandwich back! And that he would reimburse me! And he did! But not just that! They replaced my half-sandwich with a full one and gave me a free whatever else I wanted in the eatery. I opted for a strawberry smoothie. I floated on the way back to the office. ABP and I successfully made up, again, and I am back to being its number 1 fan. Well. Until Panera moves somewhere closer. ;-)

The Agony of De-Read

2009-04-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

Apologies! Last week I was traveling for work and had the SLOW E S T laptop on earth. It was excruciating. Which is all so sad because I had such great posts in queue! This is a throwback to two Fridays ago when Kitty and I ventured out to my favorite Au Bon Pain for lunch.

Enter stage left: Kitty and I happily traipsing along North Capitol to the motherlode of ABPs in the District. V. Excited. Visions of create-your-own sandwiches dance in my head and I can already taste the goat cheese/portobello concoction that I have planned. Kitty changes her order at the last second, which delays us FOREVER, but finally we make it to the line and are just about to make our stealth capture of 50 ABP straws (the only ones long enough to fit her water bottle) when we're distracted by a slight commotion.

Well. Really I was distracted by the licorice tubes that I desperately wanted but she was distracted by an actual person. An actual person in desperate need of help, it seemed. She was slumped over, body completely lifeless, and being held in her chair by an older woman who kept fanning her and putting wet napkins on her forehead. Obviously this was like, a Real Emergency. Kitty offered to call 911 and we tried to find out what was ailing the poor lass. OW said that she was feeling faint and I yelled that she should put her head between her legs. She should have! It works! When I was on the Bike Tour of Death last summer I almost died on the side of the road and putting my head between my legs saved me!

Anyway. PL begins to come around and requests that we cancel the ambulance. And this, after Kitty called and repeatedly tried to pronounce Au Bon Pain (oh-baw-pae) (short e) several times, egregiously missing the mark and undoubtedly confusing the 911 operator who doesn't know where "Ow-Bone-Pain somewhere around H and North Capitol" is. So the first phone call wasn't a resounding success but we finally got it right. And now PL (poor lass) is telling us to cancel it. So I instruct Kitty to call the 911 operator back and tell her that the PL doesn't want it to come. The very helpful operator (kudos!) says that she doesn't have to be transported to the hospital but can just get checked out by the EMTs, which I recommend. You know, with all my years of medical training (read: me growing up with a mother who thought she was Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman). She agrees. We tell PL that she should call someone to come and get her from ABP because she can't just go back to work. But the weird thing is that she doesn't seem to know anyone's direct line. Like, does she have work friends? She was eating by herself...anyway she decides to go to the restroom with OW and me yelling at her to put her head between her legs so she doesn't pass out. Kitty follows, returns, with nothing significant to report.

When the EMTs finally arrive, they ask her the standard questions. What happened, how are you feeling, what have you done today.

Her response: Well, I just read this horrible passage in my book. And then I felt faint.

EMT: you read something horrible?

PL: yes, it was really gory

EMT: what was it?

PL: um, do you really want to hear it? (pulls book closer) this guy commits suicide and he kind of well...

EMT: you don't have to tell us

PL: well, he eviscerates himself

EMT: and you think this made you pass out?

PL: maybe. it was really horrifying and then i felt kind of faint.

EMT: what book was it?

PL: The Cider House Rules

At this point Kitty picks up her stuff and says to me "It's time to go."

Exit Stage Left.

The moral of the story loves: 1.) If you're going to dine at ABP, at least know how to pronounce the name. 2.) Know exactly what you want to order when you get there, to avoid strange altercations with stranger individuals. 3.) While it sometimes pays to be a good samaritan, do so understanding the potential hazards.

Kitty still hasn't forgiven PL for ruining the end of The Cider House Rules for her. Er, even though she hadn't planned on reading it. Ever.

e-disHarmony

2009-04-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

So, I have a crush. Don't fall over in shock or anything. Technically me & the crush met seven years ago at my college graduation (7 years ago?! J. Cristo, I'm old). Yes, I had a crush on him then too, but it was only like a 7-minute crush because that's how long we talked. Actually, we didn't even talk. Maybe we said four words to each other. Before then the crush was competely one-sided, between me and him in his picture frame. Ah, the way all storybook romances are fated to begin. Perhaps I should explain.

River was the brother of one of my dear guy friends in college, Mars. Mars had a picture of him and River in his dorm room and when Chanel & I saw it we were like, omg, why the hell is your brother so cute and why the hell didn't you tell us?! I guess that's not something that boys disclose. I mean, Mars was cute (and, honestly, knew it) but River was smokin'. Seriously. I begged to be set up (of course, have you met me?!) and Mars always rolled his eyes whenever I brought it up. It was like a joke at the time and after awhile it got old. I moved on from my unrequited love with a picture frame. It happens.

Then. Graduation day 2002. I, in my cap & gown & bikini underneath am separated from my family & desperately trying to locate them. The tradition of my southern university was to have graduation outside, where it was commonly sweltering. It hadn't rained in 32 years, so me and a group of friends wore bikinis underneath our robes so we'd be cool & wouldn't sweat. And because it'd be funny. Although really by group I mean one other friend, my partner in crime, Busy. Anyway! This was the year it decided to rain. Cats & Dogs. Thunder & lightning. Three people in front of me they decided to evacuate the lawn & move graduation to the gym. Of course. Everyone was separated from their families, it was a Disaster. Post-mayhem, as everyone desperately tried to locate their families, River & I located one another. Like Moses parted the red sea, somehow the crowd parted and there. he. was.

Er, with Mars. Really we ran into each other on the steps outside the student center, and I'm pretty sure it was long after graduation ended, but who's keeping track? We were both looking for our families and Mars asked me to stop and take a photo. He introduced me to River (I mean, finally!), River took a picture of us in our caps and gowns, and we bid one another adieu. For seven years.

Fast-forward to the Inauguration this year. There I am, after working a twelve hour day in the freezing cold, looking like the Stay-Puf Marshmellow Man in my long, white down coat, walking down the street to my hotel and, I swear, it was like a repeat of graduation. Parting of the Red Sea and all. There. He. Was. With Mars. I recognized Mars first and couldn't believe our luck. I mean, after seven years of not speaking or seeing each other, to run into one another on the street was insane! Especially given that had I not gone back to the office after the Inauguration (and I originally wasn't planning on it, I was EX-hausted), and had I not decided to leave at the very. moment. I did, I totally would've missed them. Ah, destiny.

After we'd gotten over the shock of seeing each other, I promptly called River the wrong name(Hiiii! Mars! Hiiiii Philip!!! Mars to me: "Um, his name's River. "). It'd been seven years! What do you want from me? It doesn't mean my feelings are any less real. ;-) They were headed to Union Station to get a train to Frederick, MD where they'd been staying for the festivities (people live in Frederick?) and had a bit of time. So I dragged them back to my office, gave them a tour & we caught up. In my head I reaffirmed my deep affection for River and promptly Facebook'd him in a few days. I couldn't appear desperate!

Somehow, despite our auspicious beginnings, I am now trapped in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" and River is my co-star. Do you remember the part where Drew Barrymore's character has virtual coffee with a guy she likes?

friend: How's coffee shop guy?
Drew: Coffee shop guy's good! We actually got coffee last night.
friend: Oh really? Where'd you go?
Drew: Nowhere, actually. We sat in front of our webcams and had coffee together.

Uh huh. This is us. Minus the webcam. In fact, we haven't seen each other or talked since January. But we e-mail like fiends. Yes, ladies & gents, I am in an online relationship. Eff! How did this happen?!!!! How, you ask? Well, after he accepted my friend request (so I technically made the first move) I e-mailed him via Facebook. We went back and forth like this for a few weeks and one night when I was up late working on my thesis, this escalated into the oh-so-exciting world of Facebook chat. River & I chatted on Facebook for 4 hours. Like he'd never heard of a bloody phone.

It hasn't gotten any better. Since then we've stopped Facebook e-mail & chat and have graduated to the mature world of g-chat. We g-chat every day. All day. One night we were on gchat for 6 hours. No lie. From 6 pm to midnight. I have the saved chat to prove it. And now, every day we say good morning when we get on at work and chat till we leave, 8 hours later. He's there right now, blinking away with some kind of witticism about the fave tv show we watched last night. Seperately. No, he still hasn't heard of a bloody phone. And I guess I should cut him some slack becasue he lives in St. Louis, but why, WHY FOR THE LOVE OF PUPPIES will he not ask for my number? WHY? Why won't he call me? His fingers can't be paralyzed because he types to me all day. Did Mars tell him not to date me? Why would he do that? Its silly. Maybe we're still building a friendship. I'm okay with that. But could he tell me or something?!! Does he hate the phone? WHY? WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO CALL?!

Hi, my name is River and I'm a chat-aholic.

Gather. Patience. I am trapped in a commercial for e-disHarmony. But I still like him. A lot. He surprises me every day. He's very kind and funny and smart. He's not dating anyone (I think). We have incredible e-conversations. So what is it? Is he really just not that into me? Really? He's just not interested enough to want to talk? That can't be it, we talk all. day. He's not intrigued enough to hear my voice, my laugh? Really. Because lol is SO satisfying. WHAT IS IT?! Blah. I will not make the first move. I think if he likes me enough, eventually he will. I'll wait for that. I'll be patient. Heavens, how I hate that word. But I'll do it. My friend Faith e-mailed with her husband for two years before they started dated. He was long distance too. I think that might be a good omen. She says, of course, I should be patient. Perhaps the fates will align. I think, in the end, it'll be worth it. But STILL. Had I known I'd be online dating I might have picked a better screen name. :-)

Better Late Than Never?

2009-04-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got so mad at work that I wanted to quit my job. Then I re-read an exchange between my boss and I in which he tries to call me to task for being chronically late for the 800th time and where I do what I do best when trying to weasel out of getting in trouble for being late--deflect and deny. The fact that I'm given this much(ahem) "freedom" is a treasure in itself. I guess I'll stay. ;-) Well. That and the fact that I pretty much have a dream job anyway.

-----Original Message-----
From: Boss
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 9:43 AM
To: Team, Bex
Subject: Workday schedule -
Importance: High

Will you please send me your workday schedule (i.e. 8:30am-5:30pm, 9am-6pm, etc) just so I know when folks are coming and going?

My schedule is 8:30am-5:30pm

Thanks,

Boss

-----Original Message-----
From: Boss
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2009 1:10 PM
To: Bex
Subject: FW: Workday schedule & timesheets
Importance: High

Bex,

I need your workday schedule and timesheets.

Thanks, Boss

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2009 1:26 PM
To: Boss
Subject: RE: Workday schedule & timesheets

10-7

-----Original Message-----
From: Boss
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2009 2:44 PM
To: Bex
Subject: RE: Workday schedule & timesheets

so 9-6pm. got it.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2009 2:55 PM
To: Boss
Subject: RE: Workday schedule & timesheets

exactly, you knew! so then why ask?

-----Original Message-----
From: Boss
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2009 2:57 PM
To: Bex
Subject: RE: Workday schedule & timesheets

because admission is the first step. "!" and "?" to you too.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2009 3:09 PM
To: Boss
Subject: RE: Workday schedule & timesheets

i'm sure you know by now that there's little that annoys me less than redundancy.

-----Original Message-----
From: Boss
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2009 4:07 PM
To: Bex
Subject: RE: Workday schedule & timesheets

i don't know what that means.

Kiss the Girl

2009-04-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

I've been officially single for about a year now. Yes, this singlehood was peppered with two less-than extraordinary mini-relationships that didn't work out, but I knew that both were sort of destined to be short-lived and I was okay with that. Here's the thing: as much fun as I have poking fun at myself, I honestly always feel like I learn something from every person I date or I grow a little stronger, or, just for an instant, I have somuchfun! that its worth it. That will never change. After breakup armageddon last year it took me a very long time to rebound because all of a sudden this person that I loved so much for so long ended up being someone I barely even knew. And, in my head, if that wasn't real, what could be?

Well. The journey from there to here has been hilarious and while I wouldn't go so far as to say that the lessons learned were worth the hurt (can anyone truly, ever say that?) I will say that I learned how much I could love someone. That's a pretty amazing thing! Here's how I know I've come completely full circle, which is equal parts scary & thrilling: I really miss being kissed.

Now, for those of you who grew up w/ me in college, I don't mean the kind of kisses that Kissing Bandit Bex was known for. Not those random, post-party smooches with boys selected via eenie-meenie-mineie-moe. And for those hesitant to believe that I'm actually ready, its not the sweetly comfortable, relationship-earned kisses that come later either. It's that first kiss. You know the one.

Yes, I've dated this past year, kissed, and been kissed, but I haven't yet experienced the showstopping, mind-altering, shut your eyes devil-may-care *first* kiss. I don't remember ever having that with Jackal (he of armageddon break-up fame) because, if I remember correctly, our first kiss was drunken dancefloor kissing. Different. Incomparable. Of course, this could be revisionist history talking. ;-) I'm good at that. I'm not going to deny that the feeling was probably there? But the best thing about relationships is that they make everything better with time. They reinforce that first feeling you had and enrich it. So now that first kiss is kind of empty.

And if I'm honest, so were the ones that I've had this year. I guess all this means that I'm ready to seriously date again, and be serious? Which is, as I said, equal parts scary and thrilling. Kamikaze dating is out. There's just too much going over grocery lists while liplocking and too little fireworks for it to be worth it. Seriously, how many relationships can you have via text? How much tolerating can a girl take? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for "the one." Or, as Chanel says, "The one, two, three or the four." I'm just really really excited about finding a boy who will kiss me and make the earth stand still. We'll worry about the rest later. For now, I'm putting out a casting call for cute, witty, wicked smart boys that know how to sweep a girl off her feet with a sweet goodnight kiss, cab ride back to their own apartment, and a "lovely to see you text." A phone call in the morning to meet again for brunch wouldn't hurt. Or the suggestion to paddleboat and see the cherry blossoms (although I think cherry blossom season is almost over--hello, boys? time? running out here). You know, like a gentleman. Yeah, like that. Is that too much to ask?

Oldies & Goodies

2009-04-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Every now & then I'll post hysterical e-mail exchanges that are too good to keep to myself...old & new! Here's one from the archives.

Background: Kitty, Chloe & I work together. Ginny is another of our fun co-worker friends who helps keep the office alive. Hilarity ensues. This is one from last summer when I was fresh off of a tragic breakup armageddon. Yes, it was that bad. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2008 5:18 PM
To: Chloe; Ginny; Kitty
Subject: Update

Since I decided that I needed a meaningless rebound, I have asked Poser, he of the 6'9" giant fame, otherwise known as he who likes to have his cake and eat it too, if he wanted to hang out sometime. He (somewhat) happily obliged. Thoughts?

Please remember that this is only for random fun purposes and not because I want or even deign think about being in a relationship with him. That would be impossible and completely inconceivable. But still, he likes me.

-----Original Message-----
From: Ginny
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2008 5:20 PM
To: Bex; Chloe; Kitty
Subject: RE: Update

don't get hurt... and keep your pants on

-----Original Message-----
From: Chloe
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2008 5:21 PM
To: Ginny; Bex; Kitty
Subject: RE: Update

I say get drunk and take your pants off

(or take your pants off and get drunk)

-----Original Message-----
From: Bex
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2008 5:23 PM
To: Chloe; Ginny; Kitty
Subject: RE: Update

OMG!!! I MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT BE TAKING MY PANTS OFF!!!! WHAT KIND OF GIRL DO YOU THINK I AM? both of you! really!

-----Original Message-----
From: Kitty
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2008 5:24 PM
To: Bex; Chloe; Ginny
Subject: RE: Update

take them off! take them off! take them off!

actually, you won't even be wearing pants, you will be wearing a cute new dress, that will make things easier.

-----Original Message-----
From: Ginny
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2008 5:20 PM
To: Bex; Chloe; Kitty
Subject: RE: Update

respectfully bowing out of this conversation for moral reasons.

Me & Mr. Hobbs

2009-04-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

File under: Reasons I Sometimes Want to Crawl Into a Hole for a Long Time/Inspiration for This Blog

A couple of weeks ago I was at Union Station with my friend Chloe. We were shopping & I was trying to find a brightly colored jacket for a spot I was taping that weekend. Chloe decided to go home but I just HAD to try one. more. store. Right, this is how my shopping fetish sometimes gets me into trouble. So, Ann Taylor is at one end of the mall and Express is at the other. On the way, one must pass Joseph A. Banks.

I was taking this familiar route from Ann Taylor to Express when a pleasant-looking, older man came out of JAB and said hello. I, being in rather good humor and feeling polite, said hi in return. He passed me, stopped, turned around and said "Wait, do you know Darren*?" I said, "No, I don't think so." Then he says, as if there MUST be some mistake, "What's your name?" I tell him Bex. He says "Bex what?" I say "Bex Jones." Then he asks again "Are you sure you don't know Darren?" My reply: "No." At this point he says, "Well, you need to meet Darren." Stranger then drags me into Joseph A. Banks and says, to no one in particular, "Where's Darren?" Some scurrying happens in the store and someone goes to the back. It is here that I realize that Darren works at JAB. He comes from the back. Stands at about 6'2". Glasses. A bit squinty.

"Darren!" The formerly-nice man says. "This is Bex."

I extend my hand to shake.

"She is a very nice girl."

We shake.

"I think you should take her to lunch."

Jaw meets floor, as I now realize what meeting Darren means.

Ahem.

"Now, it doesn't have to lead to anything or be anything formal, but she's nice and you should take her out. "

With that, the formerly-nice man turns on his heel and leaves JAB. Darren looks at me, squintily, and asks "Would you like to go for a walk?"

A walk?!!! WHERE?! WE ARE IN THE MALL. Does he not know this? Have we been transported somewhere, unbeknownest to me? I am petrified. Horrified. Humiliated in fact! I say okay.

We then leave JAB and head toward Express. It soon becomes apparent that Darren may have a limp. He asks my least favorite question of all time. "What do you do for fun?"

Blech.

I am a Very Nice Girl. I am interesting! Sparkly! Unique! People do NOT ask me what I do for fun. At least, not if they are interesting, sparkly, & unique as well.

I was stuttering, conversation was droll, and I wanted to cry. Apparently at some point in my enjoyable singleton life, the enjoyment turned to desperation and it was written all over my face in invisible ink. Apparently, my life is so sad and I now look so pitiful that RANDOM STRANGERS feel the need to set me up on BLIND DATES with 6'2" squinty limpers. EGADS. How did this happen? Why why why why why.

Which, you know, is not indictment of Darren.

Back to scene from the mall.

Me, incredulously "WHO was THAT?"

Darren: Oh him? That was Mr. Hobbs.

Me: WHO Is Mr. Hobbs?!!!

Darren: A customer.

Oh, the humanity.

We reached Express. The excruciating encounter ended. He asked for my number. I told him to give me his. He did. He left. I went into Express, locked myself into a fitting room, and cried. Well. Not really. I wanted to. Instead I called Kitty and Chloe and Chanel and screeched for (what seemed like) an eternity about my rotten luck, misfortune, and singleton disease. I was humiliated and embarrassed to the extreme, yes. I don't know who Mr. Hobbs thinks he is but I do NOT appreciate his nerve. It was truly a humbling experience, one that would only happen to me. What can I say? It really is a Bex life. But at the end of the day, my spirit would not be crushed! I went to sleep planning my wedding to John Legend. And all was right in the morning. :-)

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

www.getthiskidalife.com

2009-04-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGownQ2PzdI&feature=channel_page

That Twenties Thing

2009-04-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

I've decided that somewhere, between the ages of 23 and 27 (and no one knows when, it just happens) the following things occur:

1.) You go from thinking you’re too young to get married to wondering why you haven’t gotten married yet.
2.) You go from trying to party like you’re still 21 to learning (often the hard way) that you’ll never party like you’re 21 again.
3.) You realize you have more work clothes than going out clothes.
4.) You stop hating any thought of going to the gym and begin to hate that you need to start going to the gym. You might overcome this hatred and actually get a membership (I haven't yet).
5.) The number of good girlfriends dwindles dramatically, but the quality of your girlfriends skyrockets.
6.) Instead of hating your parents for your flaws, you begin to learn from their mistakes.
7.) The walk of shame stops being the walk home from a hook-up and starts being the walk to Blockbuster on a Friday Night. Super Walk of Shame? When the walk is past bars packed with people & drunkards falling on the street.
8.) Flats become more attractive.
9.) After 567 episodes of doing the opposite thing your mother told you to & bad things happening, you begin to realize she might be right after all.
10.) 30 doesn't look so bad.

25 Things

2009-04-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am definitely an avid facebooker, tweeter, Friendster-ee, & MySpacer. Well. Maybe not avid for the last two. I'm too lazy to keep up with more than 2 social nets at a time. Anyway! A long, long time ago I tried to be cool and above the whole 25 Things fray, you know, that virus that ransacked Facebook. I was too cool for that. Except that I wasn't. ;-) I did it anyway and never published it. See, 7 is my favorite number and I wanted to wait until 7 people tagged me to post it cause that was going to be one of my things! Only 7 people never tagged me because, er, I'm not that popular. Typical. But here's my big chance!

25 Random Things About Me (since we're still in this getting-to-know-each-other phase).

1.) I have a ridiculous imagination. At any given time there are three different things going on in my head. I like to play logic games with myself where I have to stack words in my head to see if the letters will form a perfect pyramid, or guess how many cars are in front of a cab I’m hailing without counting.
2.) I am the youngest of five in a blended family. While this sounds like fun, my brothers are so much older than me that its really like I have four fathers instead of one.
3.) When I was 5 I wanted to be an astrophysicist. If people asked me what astrophysicists do, I’d reply, “they study the stars.”
4.) Since I was 3 years old I’ve read voraciously. I think this is why I absolutely love words. I love the way they sound and how lots of them mean different things and oh! do I have favorites: silo, octagon, volatile…the list goes on and on. I also have an undying love for alliteration. It’s real and it’s deep.
5.) Despite the above my boss says that I use “seriously?” and “really?” entirely too much.
6.) I wish that people came with thought bubbles above their head. Like when I’m speedwalking home from class, I wish people could see a note that says “Am rushing home to see The Bachelor, get out of the way!” and move. Though they prob wouldn’t respect that.
7.) I wrote poetry & short stories from the time I could form sentences until I was 23. I’m actually a published poet. Then I just stopped. Recently I’ve started writing poems again and have only shared them with one person. He’s been sworn to never show them to anyone. But I still keep a lot of stories in my head.
8.) I hate mayonnaise. Can. Not. Stand. I blame my Aunt Linda, who used it as hair conditioner in front of me at the age of 5. It was disgusting. I'm revolted now thinking about it. Blech. Never ate it again.
9.) I participated in the Vagina Monologues’ College Campaign for three years at Vanderbilt. The women I performed with taught me more than I’ll ever be able to adequately articulate. It was phenomenal. Consequently, for years after I would use “vagina” while talking about the play and it would shock the heck out of people. I never understood why!
10.) I don’t have a ten-year plan or a five-year plan or an any-year plan. I tried that and it stressed me out so I gave it up.
11.) Sometimes when people text me who/when they shouldn’t be, I text back “unsubscribe.”
12.) I remember all kinds of crazy facts about people, places and things. If I’ve met you and you told me your best friend’s name, I’ll ask about them when we meet again.
13.) I LOVE LOVE LOVE the number 7. I waited until 7 people tagged me in this note to write my own. 7/7/07 was the perfect day, I was #7 in the first pageant I ever competed in and I won! That was at the age of 17. Okay, really I was 19 but wouldn’t that have been fun?
14.) I travel 40-50% for work. I didn’t realize how this would estrange me from my friends & family until a short time ago. Because of this, my weekends are absolutely sacred. This is when I try to see everyone I haven’t seen, do all the things I haven’t done, and sleep all day on Sunday (after church). Also, I’ve become really mean about people canceling plans. Its because I never have time to see anyone anyway!
15.) I am afraid of the following things: rats, muggers, dots, heights, hand germs. But I am only afraid of heights because I’m not afraid of them. I really want to know what it’d be like to jump! See, scary. Also, re: dots, flip over a fern leaf and you’ll see why. Disclaimer: this does not apply to ALL dots. just tiny ones.
16.) I can forgive anyone for anything, almost to a fault. But sometimes I just need an apology first.
17.) I need my girlfriends like Kanye West needs Jesus.
18.) I have no problem eating a tube of cookie dough. Pillsbury is the best. I’ll also put French fried onion rings on anything. I have a profound love for food in general. Its real and its deep.
19.) When everyone got serious about sports in middle school I started cheerleading.
20.) I can quote House Party verbatim. I’m proud of it. I can also predict any Cosby episode from any season by watching the first 10 seconds. Try me. I absolutely LOVE Cosby. You guessed it, its real and its deep.
21.) I have two closets in my apartment: one for winter clothes, one for summer. Winter clothes shares with formalwear. I don’t know why.
22.) When my nephews were little I made up songs to make things fun. One is about waking up, the other taking baths. I hope they’ll remember them when they grow up.
23.) I love putting on blush. I hate brushing my hair. Hate it. My friend Kitty invented “No Shower Fridays.” I invented “No Brushing Sundays.” Disclaimer: sometimes Sunday becomes any day.
24.) If I ever became rich enough to never do something again, I’d NEVER drive. EVER. Washing dishes is a close second.
25.) I take the bus (almost) every day to work. Sometimes this is a harrowing experience. I take the bus because I’m lazy and don’t want to walk, yet my only form of exercise is walking around DC. Sometimes I walk really fast and pretend its cardio.
26.) I moved to DC because I had road rage and didn’t want to drive anymore. It was also after a breakup & I really wanted a change, but I don’t think about that much anymore. Isn’t it funny how those things really do fade over time? Now I love DC and can’t imagine not living here, though I miss Nashville with a vengeance.

All About Me

2009-04-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hello Out There!

Welcome to my maiden voyage into the blogosphere! So here's the scoop: my life is, to put it simply, quite ridiculous. A ton of fun to be sure; there's definitely no shortage on laughter, oddities, the random and strange, but also no less ridiculous. I actually have a friend that referred to me as her "most ridiculous friend" once. Hmmm. At the time I didn't know whether or not that was a compliment. Let's embrace it, shall we?

I decided last week that there are too many moments in my life that must. be. shared. Especially when it comes to dating...ugh. I mean, you've got to have a sense of humor about things, right? There's no time to cry when you're laughing, unless you laugh so hard you cry. Happens to me often. :-) And I love that. So this is it! My time to overshare, your time to humor me.

Hope you have fun as you travel along the twists & turns. I can't promise it will all be peachy, but it will definitely all be punchy. Why not? You might enjoy a laugh or to as well. Whether its at me or with me makes no difference...beggars can't be choosers, right? ;-)

Enjoy!